Your online dating Profile ends with “Any other questions?” Golly! I’ve got LOTS! Don’t you?
1. Why does life gotta be so tough?
2. When are the boffins gonna come up with a cure for allergies so I can get a dog?
3. Why is it that people are snobby when it comes to foods? Like Jello: Many would never consider bringing a Jello dish to a potluck. Or spaghetti: So what that I cut instead of twirl–call the Pasta Police!
I just know y’all have been a-wonderin’ how my online fishin’ has been goin’.
Here are some of the letters I’ve been sending out. Maybe you can help me analyze what I’m doing wrong.
Excellent profile, sir. But you live way east, and I’m way west…
It’s moot, anyhow. Per “Oh, Hey, Stupid!”®, you are both messier AND more logical than I–an off-putting combination. Even my supposedly-lesser logic can dope out that disorder is illogical. And I, sir, am logical to a perfectly logical degree ;) .
If you are truly even MORE logical than I, you are anal as sh#t. (See what I did there?)
Dis was fun, doe.
(His interests: Flamenco, Belly Dancing)
So you belly dance AND do Flamenco? At the same time? That would be something to see. ;)
I like excellent Merlot,
And to walk in the rain;
I’m a member of MENSA,
I’ve a pretty smart brain.
Let’s make love in the mornings,
In the dunes of the cape;
I’m the love that you’ve looked for,
Write to me, and escape.
I like cheap Mogen David,
And I’d rather stay dry,
Why does someone need MENSA,
To say “You’re a smart guy”?
At first light, I am achy,
I like sex in a bed, [usually ;) ]
We’re not matched well as lovers:
Choose a teen girl instead.
Not a flirt–don’t think we’re suited. Just wanted to stop to say that I am assuming those are your parents in that one photo, and really like that you included them here. You are a good boy :) .
We are a no-go (for one, I am deadly allergic to dogs, though I love ‘em–so stinkin’ unfair!–and what decent guy doesn’t own a dog, anyway?
D#mn, and you enjoy Scrabble, too. Can’t get ANYbody to play that any more…).
But enjoyed your Profile. Am betting you will get someone smart and fun, no prob. After all, I liked what you had to say ;).
Oh–how did I fall across you on “Tons o’ Tuna“®? Because even though my Profile says “No Pets”, the muckety-muck “Best Catches for YOU!” keeps showing me dog owners–just to rub my face in my petless pariah status.
Good luck fishing!
“…I can’t be with a religious person, please don’t bother contacting me if you believe in the tooth fairy, etc.”
Wow. What is it with many atheists today, going out of their way to slam those who believe in God? I just don’t get it.
I mean, it’s your Profile, and you get to say whatever you want–I’m a big believer in free speech.
I have no antipathy to atheists–used to be one myself–but I don’t understand taking an extra-big step to slam someone who believes differently than I do unless they are persecuting me–and definitely not all God-believers are persecuting all atheists–only a small minority appear to be obnoxious on the topic. Just saying.
Shall I pass this on to the Muslim community in case they want to issue a fatwah on your fanny for disrespecting Allah?
Or should I just tell the tooth fairy, so that none of your grandkids ever get any more under-the-pillow handouts? ; )
For a first date, you chose “Lunch”. WAY too much of a commitment.
What if you both decide in the first ten minutes you can’t stand the sight of each other? Sit silently through the meal? ?Yell “Doggie bags, STAT!”? Start flinging sushi rolls? Awk-ward…
I say, stick to Starbucks.
P.S. You said there should be CAT parks?
Dogs are cool. It is cats that drool, figuratively speaking. Cats would not deign to stay within park boundaries if there were any children’s sandboxes nearby to cr#p in instead.
But of course you WOULD think cats cool. Isn’t that a cool-cat soul patch I see in your picture?
Wow. What a wonderful writer you are, sir. And a lovely Profile you put together.
I was sailing along, thinking that, perhaps, this might be the first person on these tedious sites I’d be willing to meet, if the feeling were mutual–and then, I bumped up against your next-to-last sentence:
“You must have NEVER polluted your body with drugs.”
Wouldn’t you know it.
Haven’t touched an illegal substance since highschool until my last boyfriend offered me a toke.
Yup. I have inhaled on each on four separate occasions in the last year (although, who knows? My drug-addled brain may have clouded my tally memory).
So. I am crossed off your list.
You’ve definitely harshed my buzz(cut), Mr. Ex-Military.
Not a flirt, just a comment–Yours is the first Profile I’ve seen that listed God as an interest. Nicely done, sir.
You don’t match all my criteria, but what the heck. At least you read… And at least one of us is perfect.
(yes…she really is kidding. again. just ignore the woman behind the lowercase.)
How ’bout, if you have any interest, you send me something that indicates there’s a hint of humor in you?
(but…he lives too d#mn far away.)
Shhh. When fishing in poor waters, one must cast one’s net wide. He READS.
(but.. but… what’s with the tiny picture?)
Yeah. What IS with only one tiny picture of you, and in Italy?
Are you trying to woo women by buying us with a trip to Italy? Exactly what kind of women are you fishing for, anyhow?
(psst: don’t tell him it will totally work for you)
Not a flirt–we two aren’t suited–just stopping by to say that, so far, you have the BEST main pic of any guy on this site.
All these dudes saying how they enjoy life, or have a great sense of humor, but there you are, SHOWING us, laughing at a friend (or yourself), totally relaxed and looking like someone a good woman would want to be with. Yeah…THAT “with”.
The best of fishing luck to you!
Your Profile says only what your job is and that you spend at least two hours a day at the gym.
THAT’s your Profile? Dude, you didn’t even TRY.
lol uhh why should I try, its pretty simple I work and I work out
A tie for funniest Profile I’ve ever read, and the other guy gets paid to write comedy.
I haven’t yet agreed to meet anyone, and was tempted in your case just to see if you could clip along like that, live. But that would be unfair–to tempt you with my own rapid-fire wit and stellar beauty–when you and I are doomed from ever attaining the perfect comic counterpoint.
For you, sir, have a CAT.
Blech. Blech blech.
Plus, I am damned allergic to the blech-y things.
Okay, there are one or two that aren’t QUITE so blech-y.
There was one Siamese I quite fell in love with, I’m gaining some fondness for Cornish Rexes, and, from an aesthetic viewpoint alone, I am enchanted by Russian Blues. (I can’t say how the cats feel about me. Most likely how they feel about all people: “Food? No? Next person…Food? No? Next person…”
Dogs, on the other hand, are entirely blech-less. (Other than Chihuahuas, a successful cross between rodents and insects.)
Huge fan of many dogs. Have even dated some (Ba-DUM-dum!).
Hope you find the kitty-kissin’ quick-quippin’ lovin’-lippin’ (that last one was an awful stretch, huh?) lady of your dreams.
THAT dude wrote back! Too bad about his furry death-dealer.
Even with my more “straight” messages, ALL of my own overtures so far have been rejected. Men I was excited about writing to–those who are funny or witty, don’t own pets, and don’t live too far away–have rejected me. Even when the sites claimed those same men liked ME!
Their responses to my messages? Cold, dead silence–Except in two cases. Here is one of them:
Dear O. Babe,
Thanks for the kind words. No offense, but I didn’t see much humor in your blog–but to each his/her own, right?
Good luck in your search (and with your blogging, keep working on it).
ADDENDUM–IN ALL FAIRNESS
A few lovely men have written to ME. My simple criteria have not been met, or we were otherwise incompatible. A current possibility thinks me paranoid for not handing out my phone number until after I meet him. (Home address can be gotten with phone. There are nutters out there. Call me nuts, but I’d rather meet them before inviting them home.)