Here at The Last Half, we consider it our responsibility to educate the American public, which has demonstrated a remarkable absence of mind when it comes to knowledge of Science-y stuff.
And we have an addiction to reading Science blurbs.
And we email the best ones to ourselves and want to share.
So every Sunday, give or take 51 or so Sundays a year, we will post the best Science blurbs of the week, or of whenever we got around to reading them, put into layperson’s terms–words a person could understand while laying in bed half-asleep. Get ready for…
Men Make Boobs Grow
It’s a fact, Jack. Once, this totally cool dude I was dating, a programmer-analyst type just like I was, smarter than smart ( 🙄 ), said the dumbest-#ss thing to me whilst we were between the sheets:
Oh, wait–You need a little context first:
He wouldn’t stop playing with my boobs.
I mean, he wouldn’t stop. Now, I’m pretty darn fond of having my boobs played with, but there comes a point where anything gets old, and he was seventeen minutes and thirty-five seconds past that point. So I had just said:
“What the frig? What’s with all the boob-playing?!”
NOW you have the context. And then HE said:
“It’s so they’ll grow.”
Have you ever heard anything so d#mned dumb in all your life?! And this from one of the otherwise-smartest guys you’d hope to meet!
I just about laughed my boobs off! I ragged on him so bad! He actually told me he’d always figured
“…the only reason some chicks are flat-chested is because they haven’t had their boobs played with enough.”
Oh, my aching chest.
Well now I may have to eat my words. At least when it comes to pregnant boobs, single mom rats wind up with smaller boobs than married mom rats. Their boobs grow less during pregnancy, getting less milk in them.
We don’t know that the same man magic happens to human boobs, but it might. In which case, I owe that long-ago dude an apology:
Sorry, dude. If man-magic can grow pregnant boobs, maybe it can grow unpregnant ones too.
Ladies with big boobs, let this be your warning:
STAY AWAY FROM MEN!!!
ADDENDUM: MEN STINK
The paper this stuff came from will tell you the theory about why the boobs grow is that men stink. The ratty-men’s smelly pheromones make the ratty-women’s breasts go all a titter (I’m tittering typing that).
The paper also tells you that the single (i.e. unscented) ratty-moms nurse their babies less, and their babies are a bit less smart. THAT is interesting.
ADDENDUM: EXTRA SCIENCE LESSON FOR IDIOTS
No, you idiot. Her boobs are not tiny because no one ever liked them and no one ever played with them. Playing with them more will not make them grow. Does your dick reach the ceiling yet? Idiot.
ADDENDUM: WHERE ARE THE “OTHER SCIENCE-Y FACTS?”
I’m sorry. That’s all we have time for this week. If the world is still here next Sunday–if the world’s boobs haven’t yet destroyed it–maybe next week! Here’s a video instead: