Yakko’s Lookin’ For the Gold

If you like this post, you am one of us.
Welcome to the pocket-pencil club!
(No History fan?
Skip to Thumbelina Rashomon or
The “River-Bulldozer”)

Oh, Ba-by…


We’re Explor-iman-iacs!
We have pray for pay contracts;
When we land on someone else’s land,
We always say “It’s mine!”


Music (“The Mexican Hat Dance”),
Lyrics by O. Babe

Columbus gets credit, but Erik the Red, it
Was his son Leif Erikson who,

Departed from Iceland to find a more nice land
And landed where Scotia was New!

Big Deal. Looks Here Like It Only Took About a Day.

Bartolomew Dias and Vasco de Gama
The Cape of Good Hope sailed around,

Balboa left Cuba and crossed over Panama’s
Isthmus Pacifically-bound.

We got horses, sheeps, cows, and some piggies,
Bananas, pineapples, and cane,
Just try to imagine our life now,
Without those explorers from Spain!

    I Know There’d Be Fewer Chipotles–                           Is THAT What the Lyric is Say’ng?      

Of course, there’s Columbus, who started the whole fuss
Of trying to sail west for east,

Then a man named Amerigo found Chris’s error so
Circumference distance increased.

On Canada’s border in search for some water,
The Northwestern Passage the name,

Up the St. Lawrence went England’s John Cabot,
Then French Cartier and Champlain.

There was Ponce de Leon down in Florida,
Who was looking for Fountains of Youth;

And Hudson’s Half Moon up in New York,
Before all his men set him looth.

  That Ole “Monkey Paw” Rule:         There’s Always a Catch.  

Cartier struck it rich with some rocks in a ditch
That were shiny and sparkly and grand;

When he sailed back to France, they could tell at a glance
Those were fake jewels he held in his hand.

Champlain and the Hurons fired up friendship neurons;
Quebec started out with a bang;

And it didn’t much hurt that the stones in the dirt
Were real diamonds—How Cartier complained!

Quit Your Gripin’, Jacques–Why Didn’t YOU Bring a Cubic Zirconium and Newspaper Like Samuel Did?

We got rouge, and garage, and mirages,
And Illinois spelled Illi-noise;
Just try to imagine our language
Without that French je nais ce “quois”!

Along Mississippi, LaSalle took a trip,
He sailed all of the way north to south;

While French men were down there,
They founded a town there:
New Orleans we find at the mouth.

“A Delta Below Sea Level, On a Storm-Tossed Coast? Let Us Found Our Town Here!”

DeSoto looked east there, and west Coronado,
But neither one found a darn thing,

So please tell me why
We named cars for those guys,
And their names are what we have to sing?

We got horses, sheeps, cows, and some piggies,
Bananas, pineapples, and cane,
Just try to imagine our life now,
Without those explorers from Spain!

In Mexico, Aztecs threw bloody hearts down steps,
And Cortes’s swords took their gold;

In Peru, F. Pizarro brought on Inca sorrow,
And even more stole gold was sold!  (tsk! grammmar!)

Can There EVER Be Too Much?

Cabral missed a turn: In Brazil they now learn
Portugese ‘stead of Spanish today;

Cabrillo was really a man of the sea, and he
Visited Monterey Bay!

We got horses, sheeps, cows, and some piggies,
Bananas, pineapples, and cane,
Just try to imagine our life now,
Without those explorers from Spain!

I Wouldn’t Be Getting My Nooky–From Hottie-Boy Mexican Fang!

The Cath-o-lic leaders were selling forgiveness:
Indulgences let sinners through;

And young Martin Luther, a teller-of-truther,
Gave 95 reasons to boo!

So Protestants started, and soon they departed,
More freedom to have in the West,

And Puritans, Pilgrims, and Quakers, and Calvinists,
Even French Hu-ge-nots left!

We got Meth-odists, E-pis-co-palians,
Je-ho-vahs and Bap-tists galore,
Just try to imagine our life now,
Without those from Spain who explored!

We Maybe Would Get Along Better, ‘Cause Differences Would Be Ignored?


So Much Easier Than Galleons

Music traditional (Turkey in the Straw)
Lyrics by O. Babe


The Dark Ages were a-endin’
and the Renaissance begun,
And Prince Henry wanted sailor men
to have a little fun,

With their lanteen sails, their astrolabes,
and sextants in their hands,
Everybody took their compasses
and sailed for foreign lands!

Looking for the gold, gold, gold,
Spices to be sold, sold, sold,
Every European country wanted spices for their meat,
So it wouldn’t smell so stinky when it rotted in the heat.

“Or So Babes would Sleep With Men Who Never Bathed Or Washed Their Feet.”

Things accelerated quickly
when the Muslim Middle East,
Told the Christians that Constantinople
trading days had ceased,

If they wanted eastern spices,
they would have to sail around,
Down past Africa and its Good Cape
if Oriental-bound!

“Allah’s On OUR Side Now, Bubbeleh.”

Looking for the gold, gold, gold,
Spices to be sold, sold, sold,
So Bartholomew and Vasco set their sails and set their sights,
And they made it past the Cape and showed that they could do it right.

Then a little book by Polo
made the searching get more hot,
All of Europe learned that Kublai Khan
had everything they’d not,

Everybody got excited
and more countries joined the fray,
Ferdinand and Isabella
sent Columbus on his way!

Actual Top View of the Famous Pleasure Dome

Looking for the gold, gold, gold,
Spices to be sold, sold, sold,
Not even knowing longitude, or how far east or west,
Cristobal was good at measuring and guessing on his quest.

When Columbus showed the cool stuff
that the New World had to share,
Like tomatoes and potatoes
and the chili peppers there,

And they thought he’d proved by sailing west
that he had reached the East,
All of Europe salivated
for their spicy stink-free feast!

Hey–Don’t Point Fingers At ME. People Actually Get PAID To Write Textbooks With This Cr#p In ‘Em.

Looking for the gold, gold, gold,
Spices to be sold, sold, sold,
Columbus brought a little gold; they thought there’d be lots more,
So they started out for western shores and sailed here by the score!

The Opening Lines to Kubla Khan by Samuel Taylor Coleridge

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where Alph, the sacred river, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

Here’s the Entire Poem
2014-03-20–Added Kubla Khan poem and name of Mexican Hat Dance.
2014-03-20–I haven’t finalized or final-proofed this post, but I’m tired of looking at it and I’ve got stuff to do, so out the door it goes!

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  1. Schnickelfritz Band 4 EVER! I love your posts. Just the captions of the pictures ALONE is worth the drive! Thanks for the chuckles!


  2. Thank you and welcome! Finding, crediting, and captioning takes so long for we online and inline (brainpan) search feebs–but I do admit to having fun with the captioning. Glad you like ’em!



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