Seriously, IKEA?


Seriously, IKEA?

We love you, IKEA.  We love you this much:
 

That's a Lot of IKEA Lovers!

We love your kitchen and bathroom gadgets that come in our choice of bright or penguin-friendly colors.
 
Bildinhalt: Mehrere bunte Klobürsten mit Haltern *Fotograf: Frank C. Müller *Aufnahmedatum: 10.10.2005 *Aufnahmeort: Ikea Mannheim {{Bild-CC-by-sa/2.0/de}} )

Who But IKEA Could Make Fecal Management So Cheery?


 
We love that you offer patterns and embroidery found nowhere else.  We love your everyday blues-and-whites and your holiday reds-and-whites.

For those of us in sunny climes, where better to go to feel the Christmas shopping spirit than IKEA?

We most especially love the teeny weeny toddler thingy part of your store.  Thanks to you, IKEA, who doesn’t have in their now-happier home a cheerful little carrot car driven by a sunny bunny?
 

IKEA Bunny Carrot Car

Mine Is Precious To Me. A Baby Would Have To Fight Me For It.


 

Or one of Jack’s giant-beanstalk leaves shading us when we are lounging like contented snakeys in the sun?

IKEA Giant Leaf

Even In the Imaginary Sun


 
Oh, IKEA we just love you so much.  And we get so excited when a new catalog comes out!  But…Seriously, IKEA?  Seriously? 

What the heck is this?:
 

Give Any 5-Year-Old Enough Unsupervised Time and a Good Stapler And...

When my sister and I saw this in your catalog, we quickly realized it had to be an experiment to see just how gullible we Americans have become.  Because there is no effing way that anyone in their right mind, unduly influenced by illegal substances, could seriously believe that the object shown is anything other than what it is:

Two paper towels stapled together over a few popsicle sticks and some bent coat hangers.  You and we know darn well you aren’t trying to sell this farcical moomin-lumpen back home in Sweden, where the volken [folks] would be openly laffen their rears offen.

To make it worse and rub our dumb American noses in it, your catalog here claims someone named “Jon Karlsson” actually designed this ludicrosity–that is, with wisdom aforethought–on purpose!

Seriously, IKEA?

Fine.  I hereby present to you my own contribution for your next catalog:

From Her Seriously Out-Rageous Line, by O. Babe


 
Clever Ideas Are Strewn About, Like Trash, Everywhere.  Just Ask Our Latest Designer, Outlier Babe.

Designed by O. Babe in the high-stylin’ mode of Jon Karlsson et. al., our Purse Pocket© is the latest in portable convenience.  Throw in makeup, a cellphone (as shown), whatever, and dash away to your busy day—then toss your new pocket-y friend in a different purse the next day, and you’re off!

Purse Pocket© is guaranteed soft as the softest tissue.  Naturally ages rapidly to take on the hue of its surroundings.  Particularly handy when just a sleeve won’t do.  (Staple avoidance recommended).

 

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"I’m a Very Spiritual Person"–Oh, Really?


I’m sure you’ve been told it. You may have told it to others:

“I’m a very spiritual person.”

I'm, Like, a TOTALLY Spiritual Dude, Dude.

Definition of Terms for New Agers

 
spirituality –

How the spirit of God, or the Holy Spirit, manifests itself through my actions.

Using this definition, I should never describe myself as a “spiritual person” unless I wish to be considered an egotistical #sshole: 

“I really demonstrate God’s love!”

***

spirituality (New Age redefinition)

New Age use strips the word of its original God-centered meaning.

It is used to mean so many different things to people of different beliefs as to render the word essentially meaningless.  Wikipedia gives three:

  1. an alleged immaterial reality;
  2. an inner path enabling a person to discover the essence of their being;
  3. the deepest values and meanings by which people live.

A page of explanation follows, needed because the word’s meaning is now so broad in scope and muddy. Modifying Wikipedia’s definition, I would suggest:

How all the reality of the physical world’s objects, and the bodies and minds we experience, are connected to something immaterial which has deep significance of some sort. 

Further, how we can derive positive benefits such as peace or inspiration from learning to access this immaterial something.

Using this definition, I should also never describe myself as a “spiritual person” unless I wish to be considered an egotistical asshole:

“I’m very in touch with the Big Reality.”
 

***
 

More Definitions

faith –

What I believe about God.  Carries the additional associations of why I believe this, and how it makes me feel, or how it helps me.

My own faith is that God loves us, and that he can and will, when asked, give us additional power to help us behave more thoughtfully and accomplish more in a productive manner. Just like a giant Battery for Good.

God's Power Is Like This, Only In Reverse

theology –

What I believe about God, in detail–and what I don’t believe.

My own theology is that God is God, that church/synogogue/mosque/temple affiliation is irrelevant, and that acts count up there right along with beliefs and intents. Oh, yeah, and that there is an afterlife, ’cause my dead Grandma said so. (Yes. For real.) I believe if we want God’s battery power, we have to ask for it, and it may take repeat requests. And if we talk with him and ask for his help to achieve our specific positive goals, positive steps toward them or equally beneficial goals will be more easily achieved.

I don’t believe in a Divine Plan. I reject entirely a cruel God that causes children to suffer abuse and cancer and hunger as part of some master plan. All I feel coming from God is love.

I don’t believe that Jesus was the son of God–but I’m willing to allow that he might have been.

religion –

How I choose to practice my faith, with or without others, or how I choose to label my faith to myself or others. For example:  By choosing a recognized group of believers whose faith most closely approximates my own, or whose faith most closely approximates the one I used to follow as a child.

Or maybe I pick one just ’cause I like the music. Honestly, ole’ Martin (Luther) really could crank ’em out (not that those Baptists don’t have some hot little numbers, too!) as in this well-loved classic:

A Mighty Fortress is Our God

Davey and Goliath At Rest

“Hey, Goliath! Check Out These Great Posts on ‘The Last Half!'”

 

BooHoo Customer Care


What’s Scary Is, They Try Their Best

Slightly-edited actual letters exchanged with a certain helpdesk.

To          :   Boohoo! Customer Care
Sent       :  Thu, April 29, 2xxx 10:00 AM
Subject :   Spammification of Self-Sent Mail

 

To back up private documents, I send mail to myself with a Word attachment.  Later, look for it in my Inbox.  Not there.  Find it in my Spam folder.  Why?
 

To          :   Miss Anthrope
Sent       :  Thu, April 29, 2xxx 10:00 AM
Re          :   Spammification of Self-Sent Mail

 
Thank you for contacting Boohoo!®Customer Care.I understand that messages sent to yourself are sometimes placed in the Spam folder. I apologize for any inconvenience caused and am happy to assist you.

We know that SpamSlam®, Boohoo!’s filtering system, isn’t perfect, and sometimes an email that you want in your Inbox winds up in your Spam folder instead. When this happens, please open the email and click “Not Spam.”

By clicking the “Spam” and “Not Spam” buttons you train SpamSlam® to learn what’s spam and what’s not every time you mark an email.  The more you train SpamSlam®, the better it works for you.

I hope this answers your question. If you need any further assistance, please feel free to contact us again.

Thank you again for contacting Boohoo! Customer Care.

Regards,

Agamemnon
 

To          :   Boohoo!® Customer Care
Sent       :  Thu, April 29, 2xxx 10:00 AM
Subject :   Hated by Boohoo

 

Dear Agamemnon,
 

Yikes.  You have got to be kidding.  Do you honestly think that I don’t know enough to flag myself as not-spam?  Each time mail to me has wound up in the Spam folder, I have marked it for the Inbox.  Yet, later, Boohoo again sends subsequent mails to me to my Spam folder.

Please explain why this happens only with mails to ME–not with mails to any of my other Contacts.  Because, right now, the only conclusion I can draw is that you, Boohoo, the company, hate me.  Me in particular.

 

Sincerely frustrated,

 

Miss Anthrope, Singled Out As Hated by Boohoo!

 

To          :   Miss Anthrope
Sent       :  Thu, April 29, 2xxx 2:00 PM
Re          :   Hated

 

Thank you for writing to Boohoo!.

I understand that you would like an answer as to why email sent to you is being received to your Spam folder.  I’m sorry to hear that your email is being received to your Spam folder.  I’m happy to address this for you and I do apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused you.Unfortunately, I do not have the answers that you are looking for.  SpamSlam® is complex and maybe it is confused.  I’d like to reassure you that Boohoo! does not hate you or even dislike you as a user.
 
I’m sorry that I could not be of more assistance to you.  If you have any further concerns, please let me know and have a pleasant day.
 
Thank you again for contacting Boohoo! Customer Care.
 
Regards,
 
Timmy
 


To          :   Boohoo!® Customer Care
Sent       :  Thu, April 29, 2xxx 3:00PM
Subject :   WTF

 

Dear Timmy,
 

This answer is a non-answer and quite ridiculous.  Please bump this issue up the ladder to your technical staff.  The problem is interesting and should receive some attention.  And you should learn to recognize sarcasm.

 

Miss Anthrope

 

arggggh…


 
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