An Online Sea, No Fish for ME


I just know y’all have been a-wonderin’ how my online fishin’ has been goin’.

Womans Animated Gif of Disgust

Not Swimmingly. But You Have It Wrong: That’s THEM, Looking At ME.

Here are some of the letters I’ve been sending out. Maybe you can help me analyze what I’m doing wrong.

_______________________________________

Excellent profile, sir. But you live way east, and I’m way west…

It’s moot, anyhow. Per “Oh, Hey, Stupid!”®, you are both messier AND more logical than I–an off-putting combination. Even my supposedly-lesser logic can dope out that disorder is illogical. And I, sir, am logical to a perfectly logical degree 😉 .

If you are truly even MORE logical than I, you are anal as sh#t. (See what I did there?)

Dis was fun, doe.

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

(His interests: Flamenco, Belly Dancing)

So you belly dance AND do Flamenco? At the same time? That would be something to see. 😉

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

(His Ad:)

I like excellent Merlot,
And to walk in the rain;
I’m a member of MENSA,
I’ve a pretty smart brain.

Let’s make love in the mornings,
In the dunes of the cape;
I’m the love that you’ve looked for,
Write to me, and escape.

(My Response:)

I like cheap Mogen David,
And I’d rather stay dry,
Why does someone need MENSA,
To say “You’re a smart guy”?

At first light, I am achy,
I like sex in a bed, [usually 😉 ]
We’re not matched well as lovers:
Choose a teen girl instead.

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

Not a flirt–don’t think we’re suited. Just wanted to stop to say that I am assuming those are your parents in that one photo, and really like that you included them here. You are a good boy 🙂 .

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

We are a no-go (for one, I am deadly allergic to dogs, though I love ’em–so stinkin’ unfair!–and what decent guy doesn’t own a dog, anyway?

D#mn, and you enjoy Scrabble, too. Can’t get ANYbody to play that any more…).

But enjoyed your Profile. Am betting you will get someone smart and fun, no prob. After all, I liked what you had to say ;).

Oh–how did I fall across you on “Tons o’ Tuna“®? Because even though my Profile says “No Pets”, the muckety-muck “Best Catches for YOU!” keeps showing me dog owners–just to rub my face in my petless pariah status.

Good luck fishing!

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

“…I can’t be with a religious person, please don’t bother contacting me if you believe in the tooth fairy, etc.”

Wow. What is it with many atheists today, going out of their way to slam those who believe in God? I just don’t get it.

I mean, it’s your Profile, and you get to say whatever you want–I’m a big believer in free speech.

I have no antipathy to atheists–used to be one myself–but I don’t understand taking an extra-big step to slam someone who believes differently than I do unless they are persecuting me–and definitely not all God-believers are persecuting all atheists–only a small minority appear to be obnoxious on the topic. Just saying.

Shall I pass this on to the Muslim community in case they want to issue a fatwah on your fanny for disrespecting Allah?

Or should I just tell the tooth fairy, so that none of your grandkids ever get any more under-the-pillow handouts? ; )

_______________________________________

Evil Tooth Fairy Drawing

You Don’t Want to Be On THAT Fairy’s Bad Side

_______________________________________

For a first date, you chose “Lunch”. WAY too much of a commitment.

What if you both decide in the first ten minutes you can’t stand the sight of each other? Sit silently through the meal? ?Yell “Doggie bags, STAT!”? Start flinging sushi rolls? Awk-ward…

I say, stick to Starbucks.

–O. Babe

P.S. You said there should be CAT parks?

Dogs are cool. It is cats that drool, figuratively speaking. Cats would not deign to stay within park boundaries if there were any children’s sandboxes nearby to cr#p in instead.

But of course you WOULD think cats cool. Isn’t that a cool-cat soul patch I see in your picture?

_______________________________________

Wow. What a wonderful writer you are, sir. And a lovely Profile you put together.

I was sailing along, thinking that, perhaps, this might be the first person on these tedious sites I’d be willing to meet, if the feeling were mutual–and then, I bumped up against your next-to-last sentence:

“You must have NEVER polluted your body with drugs.”

Wouldn’t you know it.

Haven’t touched an illegal substance since highschool until my last boyfriend offered me a toke.

Yup. I have inhaled on each on four separate occasions in the last year (although, who knows? My drug-addled brain may have clouded my tally memory).

So. I am crossed off your list.

You’ve definitely harshed my buzz(cut), Mr. Ex-Military.

_______________________________________

Not a flirt, just a comment–Yours is the first Profile I’ve seen that listed God as an interest. Nicely done, sir.

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

You don’t match all my criteria, but what the heck. At least you read… And at least one of us is perfect.
(yes…she’s kidding.)

And schizophrenic.
(yes…she really is kidding. again. just ignore the woman behind the lowercase.)

How ’bout, if you have any interest, you send me something that indicates there’s a hint of humor in you?
(but…he lives too d#mn far away.)

Shhh. When fishing in poor waters, one must cast one’s net wide. He READS.
(but.. but… what’s with the tiny picture?)

Yeah. What IS with only one tiny picture of you, and in Italy?

Are you trying to woo women by buying us with a trip to Italy? Exactly what kind of women are you fishing for, anyhow?
(psst: don’t tell him it will totally work for you)

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

Not a flirt–we two aren’t suited–just stopping by to say that, so far, you have the BEST main pic of any guy on this site.

All these dudes saying how they enjoy life, or have a great sense of humor, but there you are, SHOWING us, laughing at a friend (or yourself), totally relaxed and looking like someone a good woman would want to be with. Yeah…THAT “with”.

The best of fishing luck to you!

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

Your Profile says only what your job is and that you spend at least two hours a day at the gym.

THAT’s your Profile? Dude, you didn’t even TRY.

–O. Babe

lol uhh why should I try, its pretty simple I work and I work out

(O…kay, then.)

_______________________________________

Dear Groucho,

A tie for funniest Profile I’ve ever read, and the other guy gets paid to write comedy.

I haven’t yet agreed to meet anyone, and was tempted in your case just to see if you could clip along like that, live. But that would be unfair–to tempt you with my own rapid-fire wit and stellar beauty–when you and I are doomed from ever attaining the perfect comic counterpoint.

For you, sir, have a CAT.

Blech. Blech blech.

Plus, I am damned allergic to the blech-y things.

Okay, there are one or two that aren’t QUITE so blech-y.

There was one Siamese I quite fell in love with, I’m gaining some fondness for Cornish Rexes, and, from an aesthetic viewpoint alone, I am enchanted by Russian Blues. (I can’t say how the cats feel about me. Most likely how they feel about all people: “Food? No? Next person…Food? No? Next person…”

Dogs, on the other hand, are entirely blech-less. (Other than Chihuahuas, a successful cross between rodents and insects.)

Huge fan of many dogs. Have even dated some (Ba-DUM-dum!).

Hope you find the kitty-kissin’ quick-quippin’ lovin’-lippin’ (that last one was an awful stretch, huh?) lady of your dreams.

–O-Babe

 
THAT dude wrote back! Too bad about his furry death-dealer.

 
ADDENDUM: REJECTIONS!!

Even with my more “straight” messages, ALL of my own overtures so far have been rejected. Men I was excited about writing to–those who are funny or witty, don’t own pets, and don’t live too far away–have rejected me. Even when the sites claimed those same men liked ME!

What the Heck Woman

Huh??

Their responses to my messages? Cold, dead silence–Except in two cases. Here is one of them:

Dear O. Babe,

Thanks for the kind words. No offense, but I didn’t see much humor in your blog–but to each his/her own, right?
Good luck in your search (and with your blogging, keep working on it).

 
ADDENDUM–IN ALL FAIRNESS

A few lovely men have written to ME. My simple criteria have not been met, or we were otherwise incompatible. A current possibility thinks me paranoid for not handing out my phone number until after I meet him. (Home address can be gotten with phone. There are nutters out there. Call me nuts, but I’d rather meet them before inviting them home.)
 
ADDENDUM–A FUNNIER POST ABOUT THESE SITES:

You have just gotta read Kiri’s hysterical post. I suspect it’s funnier to women than men, but if you’re a genital outie, go on over and see what YOU think. Short, fast, funny-funny!
 

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Tons o’ Tuna: Fishin’ for Love Online


“Face it, girls. We’re only gonna look at your picture. None of us guys is ever gonna read what you write.”

Overnight, my sweet, sexy Fang and I are no more (see Addendum) and I’ve stooped to trying online dating for the first time. And what a rollicking delight it is.

This time, I’m looking for the full package: Friendship plus love, good kissing, and still some HEAT. (Hah! Like all that’s likely. Dream on, Babe.)
 

Never Give Up, Honey. I Haven’t! (I Just Wish That Somebody, Somewhere Would Just Once Respond to My Texts.)


 

My “absolutes” are few (I mean, look who I was dating, yes? But a very nice man who loved me deeply–sniff! Was I an idiot?):

  • The ability to make me laugh and an appreciation for my humor,
  • No obesity (that may be small of me, but it is what it is),
  • Fairness,
  • Something between the ears besides the mounds of hair growing out,
  • Good grooming and hygiene,
  • Reasonable taste (e.g. no double-knit polyester, right?).
  •  

    Okay, and I probably would be hesitant at extreme unattractiveness, or combovers—I mean, just cut your dang hair off, already. You’re not fooling anyone.
     

    I Think I Look Quite Arresting.


     

    Oops—and I, darn my genetics, am deadly allergic to dogs and cats, so that rules out a lot of the better dudes—‘cause the nicer ones would be dog owners, yes? Or at least own one of those lesser feline creatures.

    Clearly the Weaker Pet.


     

    Dregslist

    Dregs: What’s Left After the Good Stuff is Gone.


     

    Some people see Jesus in dregs. I didn’t find any miracles.

    360 ads for men seeking women, and 300 of them were d#ck picks.
     

    I Don’t Get It. Even WITH Glasses, They All Look Pretty Much the Same.


     

    Obviously, these pictures were tremendously exciting to me, particularly as the gentlemen held the cameras close to their members so as to trick we gullible females into thinking their willies were GI-NOR-MOUS. I was fooled each time–and greatly stimulated.

    Unfortunately, I was also unable to tell anything about the gentlemen themselves based solely upon their extremely creative photography.
     

    But I thank them here for all of the repeat orgasms they engendered in my throbbing loins.


     

    Of the remaining 60, 58 were not d#ck’s heads, but were posted by d#ckheads. (The other two? One owns cats and t’other lives too far away.)

    One guy posted two ads, both saying how important honesty was, yet the ads gave conflicting facts. (Saying “lies” wouldn’t be polite.)

    I suspected a college Psych student was trying to get a research paper done (“Which ad will get the most responses?” or “Which types of women will respond to each?”. Curious me sent an email pointing out the conflicts and asking what the story was: Student, or someone who just thought women wouldn’t spot the diffs. The non-student, as it turned out, responded, calling me “angry girl”. Then, a little later, he followed up with another:

    “F#ck you! Now, how’s that for honesty you angry seething c#nt :)”

    It was nice of him to include the smiley face at the end.

    Much Appreciated!

    Well, this wasn’t really very productive for anyone. On to the next site.
     

    Tons o’ Tuna

    After I filled out my Tuna Temptation description, TOT decided that my most suitable partners consisted of motorcycle riders. I have nothing against bike riders, but a dude who makes his top gal-snagging picture one which features prominently his bike, car, or dolls (boys like to call their dolls action figures) is likely not the dude for me.

    TOT does have a top team of psychologist-slash-matchmaking experts, however, so they must know my taste better than I.

    Although I’d said I was not a pet owner, many guys TOT chose for me were dog and cat owners. Perhaps I do NOT get asthma when I hang around these animals or their environs too long. I sure am learning a lot from TOT!

    Each time I looked at any man’s description, TOT would adjust my “Super Catches for You!” choices. If I checked out a black man, 80% of my offerings became of darker hue; if I checked out a younger man, my net grew more youthful. TOT thought that a single peek constituted an entire taste trend.

    Is Kitteh Using “Tuna”, Too? (Duh. Of Course Kitteh Would Choose Tuna.)


     

    I decided to search TOT on my own.

    I managed to find a few guys whom I felt were more in my ballpark. For one thing, their self-descriptions showed that they had reasoning abilities beyond “I’m really into riding my two hogs.”

    Golly! I Just Realized One of Those Hogs May Not Be His Bike!


     

    The first prospect in whom I had interest not only didn’t deign to respond, he fled the site immediately upon receiving my query. Take THAT, ego!
     

    Do You Think My Tuna Selfie is Part of the Problem?


     

    The next two and a half hours I spent looking through an uninspiring set of drab descriptions without a hint of creativity or wit. Yet each man claimed he had a “great sense of humor”. They were all playing an excellent joke by hiding it. Even in their photos.

    They Looked Like This Coen Brother

    By the end of that time, I was a bit depressed (and missing Fang–we couldn’t have that). I was also foolishly exhausted–I had stayed up way too late and it was far past my lupus expiration date.

    I’m afraid I strayed off the sanity reservation as a result, and began responding to ads I should not have, in a manner I should not have. I regret a couple of the messages I sent that night, or regret their tone.

    Only One Was Worse Than This Bossy Sign (SOMEone Forgot the Magic Word.).


     

    A couple of the less impolite messages:
     

    Dear Frank,

    In your ad, to be frank, I don’t know what it was that appealed to me, other than your frankness, which came across as frank frankness rather than rank rankness (i.e. the false-osity of a lot of the other males on this site). Not that I can really tell the difference, being Aspie, but I can kinda sorta tell, now that I’m older and less of an Asp–or I like to think I can (and am). –O. Babe  (Nope. In the light of day, clearly still pretty much an Asp.)
     

    Frank Didn’t Respond. Not All Frank-ness Wins Friends.


     

    Dear Athletic-Build,

    Notice one of your interests is “Snowboaring”. They must be much easier to spot against the winter whiteness ; ) –O. Babe
     

    It’s Especially Tricky to Hold a Boar-Spear Steady While on Skis


     

    Dear What-Fit-Are-YOU?

    You say you want a “normal fit” woman. Many woman I see normally fit at least two actress-widths, except in the richer beach areas. The men I see look like they’ve just EATEN two, when it comes to their middles, much though they may wear huge shirts to hide it.

    Interestingly, yours is the first ad I’ve seen that posts only a head shot. –O. Babe
     

    Sexist Modern Dating Expectations Which Women Have Totally Bought Into


     

    Dear Almost-Perfect,

    I’m sailing along, reading your description, which sounds terrific. Then I get to the age data. You’re a 51-year-old man. To contact you, a female “MUST be between 30 and 50″.
     

    Brother. You Men Kill Me. –O. Babe


     

    I had noticed a similar “must” for several other men, so I decided to exclude from my next search all men who wanted to date women 20 years their junior.



    Wanna Guess What Happened?


     

    Which dating site should I try next?



    (In the interests of fairness, “Head Shot” man did write back and claims he is quite svelte below the neck.)
     

    Addendum: For the Ultimate Word on D#ck Pics

    Whether guy or gal, I promise you will be glad you took a side trip to

    The Out of Context Penis, if for the pictures alone.

    Addendum: The Split With Fang

    Fang committed what I consider an unforgivable error–and did it more than once. We needn’t go into what. No, he didn’t cheat on me. He’s a good man. Just not great at the fairness part of being a couple. I still love him, and still don’t know if I made a terrible mistake. Best not to think about it.

    I said, I have to stop thinking about Fang as quickly as possible so that I don’t go running back to–Oh dear: I just had a vision of his arms wrapped around me. Time to get fishin’ again. Sigh.
     
    An Online Sea, No Fish For Me
     

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