Seriously, IKEA?

Seriously, IKEA?

We love you, IKEA.  We love you this much:

That's a Lot of IKEA Lovers!

We love your kitchen and bathroom gadgets that come in our choice of bright or penguin-friendly colors.
Bildinhalt: Mehrere bunte Klobürsten mit Haltern *Fotograf: Frank C. Müller *Aufnahmedatum: 10.10.2005 *Aufnahmeort: Ikea Mannheim {{Bild-CC-by-sa/2.0/de}} )

Who But IKEA Could Make Fecal Management So Cheery?

We love that you offer patterns and embroidery found nowhere else.  We love your everyday blues-and-whites and your holiday reds-and-whites.

For those of us in sunny climes, where better to go to feel the Christmas shopping spirit than IKEA?

We most especially love the teeny weeny toddler thingy part of your store.  Thanks to you, IKEA, who doesn’t have in their now-happier home a cheerful little carrot car driven by a sunny bunny?

IKEA Bunny Carrot Car

Mine Is Precious To Me. A Baby Would Have To Fight Me For It.


Or one of Jack’s giant-beanstalk leaves shading us when we are lounging like contented snakeys in the sun?

IKEA Giant Leaf

Even In the Imaginary Sun

Oh, IKEA we just love you so much.  And we get so excited when a new catalog comes out!  But…Seriously, IKEA?  Seriously? 

What the heck is this?:

Give Any 5-Year-Old Enough Unsupervised Time and a Good Stapler And...

When my sister and I saw this in your catalog, we quickly realized it had to be an experiment to see just how gullible we Americans have become.  Because there is no effing way that anyone in their right mind, unduly influenced by illegal substances, could seriously believe that the object shown is anything other than what it is:

Two paper towels stapled together over a few popsicle sticks and some bent coat hangers.  You and we know darn well you aren’t trying to sell this farcical moomin-lumpen back home in Sweden, where the volken [folks] would be openly laffen their rears offen.

To make it worse and rub our dumb American noses in it, your catalog here claims someone named “Jon Karlsson” actually designed this ludicrosity–that is, with wisdom aforethought–on purpose!

Seriously, IKEA?

Fine.  I hereby present to you my own contribution for your next catalog:

From Her Seriously Out-Rageous Line, by O. Babe

Clever Ideas Are Strewn About, Like Trash, Everywhere.  Just Ask Our Latest Designer, Outlier Babe.

Designed by O. Babe in the high-stylin’ mode of Jon Karlsson et. al., our Purse Pocket© is the latest in portable convenience.  Throw in makeup, a cellphone (as shown), whatever, and dash away to your busy day—then toss your new pocket-y friend in a different purse the next day, and you’re off!

Purse Pocket© is guaranteed soft as the softest tissue.  Naturally ages rapidly to take on the hue of its surroundings.  Particularly handy when just a sleeve won’t do.  (Staple avoidance recommended).


The Groupon Guide to: Being Autistic

This is an edited-down  excerpt of an old Groupon guide which they originally titled The Groupon Guide to Being Yourself, but they clearly intended this title, instead.  I’ve corrected it for them, because that is what we Asperger’s folk do—jump to give advice and help to you non-Aspies even before you think to ask us.  Sometimes even if you tell us you don’t want our help.

You’re welcome!

Anyone Else Notice This Adds Up to ALL the Major Brain Structures?


The Groupon Guide to:  Being Autistic

  • Begin each conversation by rattling off your childhood medical history. If weather permits, reveal all relevant scars.
  • If all of your friends are jumping off a bridge—jump too!  They clearly know something about this bridge that you don’t.
  • If you meet someone who shares your first name, suggest that they instead go by their middle name.
  • Reject all constructive criticism. Though teachers, employers, and traffic-court judges may cite areas for improvement, they’re outranked by (the late) Mr. Rogers, who said you’re perfect the way you are.

Here's To You!


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