So, like, Medusa was, like, you know, a GORGON, which is a witch (get it?) with snaky hair (like my mother in the morning—UG-LEE!). You shoulda seen her! Well, no, maybe you shouldn’t-a, cuz’ if you did, you’d turn to STONE! No kidding!
Perseus, this Greek guy, was looking for something and sailed to the island Medusa lived on with her sisters, and MAN, he was SMART! He stayed up all night polishing his shield, and then fought her by looking in it at her reflection. (Good thing she wasn’t a gorg-VAMPIRE.)
He whacked off her head, kept a few of the snakes as souvenirs, and gave the head to Athena, the goddess of wisdom. Then, which just shows, like, how wise Athena was… NOT—she stuck the head on the front of her breastplate—like, GROSS!!
(Yeah, that’s her shield, not her BREAST plate–I guess the artist guy was shy.)
Oh, yeah, and Medusa didn’t use to be so ugly—she started out real fine, but then she was partying one night in one of Athena’s temples, and the party got a little rowdy and the place got a little trashed, and then—WHAM!! Ole’ Athena gave her a really bad hair day—for the rest of her life. Her dad, Porphys, a kind of sea god, tried to change old Athena’s mind, but it didn’t help when he started giggling and said, “B-b-but Athena, Medusa didn’t do it on Porphys!“—GET IT???
Oh, yeah, and the end of the story is pretty pathetic, ‘cause when old Perseus got REALLY old, he used to go up to the little kids and take those old dried up snakes out of his pants pockets and tell them what a great hero he used to be, and all the kids started calling him “old snake-thighs”, and “a real asp”, and then they’d run away screaming “Here comes GORGZILLA!”.
Really sad. Oh, but when they buried him, he got a cool tombstone with Medusa’s head on it (Athena was tired of it by then–it was pretty skanky), and that cemetery is in really good shape, money-wise, ‘cause whenever anybody orders a new tombstone, and pays their drachmas, the cemetery people just carve it out of wood, or soap, or whatever, and then flash it past old Perseus’s grave, and ZAP! One tomb-STONE, comin’ up!
How Did Perseus “Really” Die?
I just felt like writing like a kid again. It was fun.