You All Need to Thank Me


My sister says I need an exorcism. That I should wear a GoPro strapped to my head and post my life to YouTube. That I would be my own grim reality show. My friend Joey says that is just silly. That of course the GoPro would stop working the minute it got close to me.

My life tends to run a mite…unlucky.

Unicorn-asus

Guess Who’s Beneath That Lifted Tail?

Yeah, everybody has bad luck, sure. Everybody thinks their problems are worse than everyone else’s.

Everybody who knows me for more than a few months learns that my problems really ARE worse. If not worse, definitely weirder. Here is just one of them:

I have been offline for almost two months.

First, my home connectivity and my laptop both failed on the same day.

*** (“That WAS unlucky.” “But not HUGE.”)

That could happen to anyone. But how often DOES it?

The internet I was able to get restored, although it took two weeks.

Here’s how the laptop replacement went:

Purple Bar

BRAND A

Tablet 1

Worked fine right out of the box. Fine enough to introduce me to Windows 8.

After being powered down, the tablet cogitated on the foul language I’d thrown at it during my Windows 8 exposure.

In revenge, the next morning it failed to power up.

*** (“That’s two strikes in a row.” “But you know stuff is made for sh#t now.”)

I’d always hated Brand A products anyway. What was I thinking?

Purple Bar

BRAND B

Tablet 2

Amazon lost the tablet in transit. But thanks to the tracking number, Amazon knows EXACTLY where it was right before it disappeared.

*** (“Okay, tell me she’s not unlucky.” “She’s just having a bad streak.”)

Tablet 3

Troubles right out of the box.

Contacted tech support, did what the engineer and I discussed.

Then, had Windows apply all the updates that had accumulated since the tablet’s O/S had been loaded.

The poor tablet was thrown into a tizzy by this, and hung.

Nothing would break the hang: Not death by Task Manager, not the three-fingered salute, and not my resting awhile on the power button.

I lay down and fell asleep at some point. When I awakened, the tablet was dead. Tech support determined it was a faulty device. Offered a choice: Their repair place, with 14 day turnaround, or back to Amazon.

I chose Amazon, and am still awaiting my refund.

*** (“What d’you say NOW?” “It DOES seem like she’s had more than her share of trouble…”)

Purple Bar

INTERMISSION

At this point, even I, used to this sort of thing, needed to take a breather and check myself. I consulted my go-to guide to make sure I was following all the recommended steps:

Unlucky Guide

Never Make a Move Without It

Tablet 4

Arrived crushed by FedEx. Luckily, I filmed the opening of the outside carton, documenting that the inside box was also crushed.

*** (“Ready to concede?” “It DOES seem a bit much…”)

While repacking for shipping back to Amazon, I discovered that the inside tablet box, besides being crushed, had been opened and then resealed.

I don’t know if I shipped back a refurbished device sold as new, or if a light-fingered FedEx employee had seen an opportunity and taken it when the box sprang open.

I could have been shipping back a brick, for all I know.

At this point, my powerful aura of permanent bad luck overcame even a large corporation like Brand B.

They publicly announced their withdrawal from the tablet market.

I’m sorry, Brand B! I didn’t do it on purpose!

Purple Bar

BRAND C

Non-Tablet 5

I gave up on the whole tablet idea and bought a bottom-of-the-line laptop from the local big-box store.

HATED it. Worst touchpad ever, and no touchscreen.

*** (“This one doesn’t count, does it?” “No. She was just a dumb#ss here.”)

Purple Bar

BRAND D

Tablet 6

The keyboard arrived immediately. All on its lonesome.

The tablet arrived over two weeks later.

Without its power supply.

A few days after pointing this out to the Brand D folk, my specialized not-just-any-generic-AC adapter-will-do arrived.

But not its plug.

*** (“TELL me you believe her NOW!” “Okay, OKAY–I’m CONVINCED!!”)

This is Your Life Asphalt

What D’Ya’ Think of THIS For My Show’s Title”: “LIVIN’ THE ROADKILL LIFE”? Would Anyone Tune In to Watch An Unending Stream of This stuff?

On Halloween, the first full day I got to use my new tablet and its new plug, I contacted Brand D to make a special request:

“May I please have an extension on the normal trial period for the device, seeing that you shipped the keyboard weeks ahead of the tablet, and the power supply a week after the tablet?

I’ve had only a day to test the device, and tomorrow the keyboard trial period expires.”

Here is the answer of a young man named Uttan:

“Absolutely NOT. How long does it take you to test out the device, anyway?!”

Purple Bar

BRAND E

You understand, don’t you?

You understand why, as soon as I got off the phone with Uttan, I ordered my seventh device from Brand E?

And then got back on the phone with Uttan’s company to arrange the return of their device?
Now, perhaps this is just your typical everyday luck of your typical everyday person. But I am thinking that the rest of you, whose lives don’t run in this direction, have an awful lot to thank me for.

I suck the worst of the worst in my direction, and enable your luckiest days.

You’re welcome!
Hey: Maybe if I hire someone ELSE to wear the GoPro and follow me around..?
 
(Dang it: Joey just said that if I did that, a bus would hit them. Sort of like “Final Destination: Outlier”.)

Final Destination Bus

Despite the Great Footage I’d Get, I Can’t Have That On My Conscience…

Tablet 7 is due Wednesday–wish me (atypical) luck! 🙂
 
 
Next Luck Magnet Post: The Saga of AT&T–Episode 1

 

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37 Comments

  1. Okay, I’m convinced!

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    • I look at it as a type of gift. A gift to all of you. : )

      I’ve missed your photos! (Although I have an Iphone, my fingers have been particularly lupus-y–so the phone has not been the answer.)

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Photos? what, mine? Well, I’ve been a bit slack on posting lately, anyway. I’ve got a new theme, and I miss my featured ‘in-your-face’ photos too. Sorry about your fingers. ❤

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  2. Wow. What an adventure. Lucky number seven, though, I hope. xx

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  3. Paul

     /  2014/11/02

    Bwahaha! I bow down to your resilience and persistence. I’d’ve caved and gone to a bricks and mortar- sworn them on a stack of bibles that their warrantee was the best, filmed it, and paid the extra bucks. Then i’d’ve tortured the bastards with my bad luck until they caved. I’d’ve spread bad words about their store and tortured them with bad press until they upgraded me to their best just to get rid of me.Ha! I helped put a truck dealer put of business once like that. I enjoyed it.

    Speaking of trucks, as an old truck driver, I remember a situation that makes a great metaphor for your luck. Back when they were new, our company experimented with super-singles on trailers. That is one great big honking fat tire that took the place of two side by side tires. They were expensive and uncommon which meant hard to get repaired or replaced on the road.

    My friend Elroy – a master of the hilarious – drew one of the two experimental trailers. I found him on the side of the road time and time again with flat tires. When I stopped once and jokingly accused him abusing the tires, he replied with ” I swear those tires suck every nail they pass out of the ditch and then run over it.” Ha! Sounds like your lluck OB. Your luck is well on its way to finding every possible computer failure and delivery failure known to mankind.You should write a book – you could become a well paid consultant working to improve service for Amazon and get rich.

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    • Hi, Paul! Nice to be chatting with you again!

      Re: Your first comment, just gonna say that what works for a guy doesn’t work the same for a gal. Not for a 125 lb. 5′ 7″ “cute” ole’ gal with a small voice.

      Re: poor Elroy, I empathize. But do want to make clear, the post does not exaggerate when I say this is just ONE example of my typical luck. This is how my ilfe very typically goes. It is why my childhood was a good preparation for my adulthood–I can roll with anything 🙂 🙂 🙂

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  4. Yayyy! O.B’s back!!!! Whoop! Whoop!! Whoop!!! Its so good to have you back O.B, that was a lifetime, phew! You were so beyond sorely missed! Welcome back ‘Her Royal Funny’ and against ‘popular’ beliefs, you aint jinxed! Not at all! Now all of these ‘unfortunate’ occurrences may really look jaded, like some unseen, inexplicable dark force was trying really hard at preventing you from this big comeback, but hey; you took it in your stride, made a heck of a post outta those experiences and most importantly, You. Are. Here! So tell me, who’s the ‘man’?! Who’s laughing now?! I’d REALLY like to know! Plus, is ‘this’ working?! Are you pretty psyched up right now?! Would be a total shame if you aren’t O.B, a lotta ‘work’ went into doing all of ‘these’, so don’t go breaking my heart on this one! laughing

    Its great to have you back on these plains and you did a pretty banged-up job of this post! Got a total BANG outta it, explosive! Thanks for the laughs dear and I do REALLY mean that….thank YOU O.B! LOL

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • You are always so fun, Yemie! It is great to be back with you again–although I am not really back yet, for I am a short-timer on this tablet 6, the keyboard of which goes back tomorrow…

      Here’s hoping Wednesday brings good news 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Aw! Don’t you worry O.B, the number 7 in Christendom stands for perfection! Seven’s quite the charm, so Christmas will be coming a little too early for you this year O.B, and Wednesday will surely bring good luck and then some! Just keep ’em fingers crossed yet! You’re so in for a most pleasant surprise! winks LOL

        Liked by 1 person

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  5. M-R

     /  2014/11/02

    Amazing, OB !!! – truly amazing, mate ! Hideous, of course.
    I think I would’ve gone into a tailspin; so you’re doing pretty well !!!

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    • Thank you, Margaret-Rose. I believe, however, that you are cooler than cool. I believe you would have calmly assessed your options and just dealt–AFTER some well-chosen words.

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      • M-R

         /  2014/11/03

        But they would’ve had no effect, I promise. When I was below the age that makes one invisible, I was a very effective consumer. Now, I’m just plain invisible.

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        • We women do join the ranks of the invisible mighty early, don’t we? Some British actress commented on it, and I believe she had just turned 40.

          Males have no idea. Except for THIS one: a male scientist who was born female (skip down to the very last bolded Q and A– it will be edifying):

          Yikes

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  6. OK, you win. I thought I had top honors in the bad luck department when I crashed 3 hard drives in 3 years, two in the same year and lost thousands of digital photos. But I really don’t think it compares to what you had to go thru. So glad you got back on track!

    Liked by 1 person

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    • Oh, Iris! How awful for you (and us!)! All those wonderful photos, lost! I’m so sorry!

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      • It’s all good. Just means we get to do a re-do! Like another trip to Estes Park in October of some future year to take lots of photos elk roaming thru town, and another trip to Marceline Missouri, hometown of Walt Disney. Yay for road trips!

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  7. RR

     /  2014/11/03

    As someone with similar bad luck, not necessarily with technological devices, but perhaps, life in general, there was never a doubt in my mind. 😉
    So pleased to have something of yours to read today. Fingers are crossed that you get something worthy of you. Sooner rather than later. At least Wednesday is only two sleeps away.

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    • I am sorry that you, too, have a history of dragging your own black cloud around with you.

      I know you are as aware as I that SOME of our shared poor luck can be caused by poorer decision-making skills and choices influenced by our shared childhoods. However, in my case, others viewing the crashing of each latest disaster chain often say they see nothing I did to cause it, or could have done to prevent it. I am betting the same is true for you, Rebecca.

      Perhaps the answer is as simple as this:

      Just as it is statistically possible that a tossed penny can randomly come up heads (or tails) 100 times in a row, so it must be that some of our lives can come up roses, or crap, 100 years in a row.

      You and I are the tossed jetsam of universal chance, in for a lifetime of…tricksiness, and it is up to the strength of our characters to achieve the greatest heights possible given our situation:

      I aspire to the greatness of becoming…

      FLOTSAM!! 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • RR

         /  2014/11/03

        I agree with it all. Sometimes I believe we are dealt a hand that only WE know how to play. It doesn’t mean it is a good or bad hand, just one with a unique arrangement of cards for us to sort the meaning of…
        Here’s to FLOTSAM! 🙂

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  8. Thank you from the heart of my bottom for re-directing the nasty computer bugs you-ward. I don’t know how you maintained your sanity throughout. And the fat lady has yet to yodel!

    Break a leg. Maybe that bit of theatrical superstition will break the curse.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
      1. You are most welcome, and thanks, yourself! It’s always nice to be appreciated.
      2. Upon what evidence do you assume I’ve maintained my sanity…?

      3. Thank you for the thoughtful suggestion for a curse-lifting mojo. After giving it some thought, and considering the severity and length of the curse, and, possibly, influenced somewhat by factors implied to in item 2, above,

      I have chosen to jump out my second-floor window with an aim of multiple breaks to all four extremities.

      Wish me (only the BEST kind of) luck!

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  9. “Upon what evidence do you assume I’ve maintained my sanity…?”

    … hmm, good point.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  10. L

     /  2014/11/04

    All the best in your quest! May 7 be your lucky number!

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Thank you for your good wishes. They warm my heart and also help to fill the empty virtual place left by my missing computer.

      Every number is my lucky number. Just wrong luck variety. I’ve been notified today there will be a delay in delivery of Tablet 7. One teensy sigh, and I’m fine again. Really. (choke!)

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  11. To quote a great American TV song:

    Gloom
    Despair
    and agony on me
    Deep dark depression
    Excessive misery
    If it warn’t for bad luck, I’d have no luck at all . . .
    Gloom
    Despair
    and agony on me!

    Humor cures most ills in life. Or, as the maxim goes: grin and bear it. Or is that “bare it?”

    Glad you’re back. Or, is that “glad your back?” I forget.

    — SM

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Thank you kindly for your accurate choice of accompaniment. If you read my response to the prior commenter, you will see just how accurate. Suffice to say your “welcome” is most welcome–thank you!–but the “back” is yet to be seen… –Just Call Me Lucky

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  12. I felt my blood pressure elevate as I read this! So sorry! Welcome back and good luck with version 7. Egad.

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    • Thank you, Barbara. Although I was notified today that shipping has been delayed, in my life, that is certainly a non-surprise. Eventually, tablet 7, or 8, or 9, will again allow all ten fingers their freedom. And I will have a screen larger than a playing-card.

      Oh, my: Now that caused MY blood pressure to rise. Mustn’t ever dream too ambitiously, with luck like mine! 😄

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  13. wow…all these strings of bad experiences for just one person? I sympathize with you…I can’t imagine how distressing for you it must have been… all the best of luck with number 7

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  14. Holy crap, that was exhausting just to read about.

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    • Despite the whiny, tedious nature of the post, I will choose to take that as heartfelt empathy rather than an even more heartfelt “Jeez, save us!” during a momentary lapse of that graciousness and tact for which you, and all redheads, are known.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  1. The Saga of AT&T–Ep. 1 (You All Need To Thank Me–Remember?) | The Last Half
  2. One of the Tailors Did It (Thank Me. Yes. Again.) | The Last Half

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