An Online Sea, No Fish for ME


I just know y’all have been a-wonderin’ how my online fishin’ has been goin’.

Womans Animated Gif of Disgust

Not Swimmingly. But You Have It Wrong: That’s THEM, Looking At ME.

Here are some of the letters I’ve been sending out. Maybe you can help me analyze what I’m doing wrong.

_______________________________________

Excellent profile, sir. But you live way east, and I’m way west…

It’s moot, anyhow. Per “Oh, Hey, Stupid!”®, you are both messier AND more logical than I–an off-putting combination. Even my supposedly-lesser logic can dope out that disorder is illogical. And I, sir, am logical to a perfectly logical degree 😉 .

If you are truly even MORE logical than I, you are anal as sh#t. (See what I did there?)

Dis was fun, doe.

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

(His interests: Flamenco, Belly Dancing)

So you belly dance AND do Flamenco? At the same time? That would be something to see. 😉

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

(His Ad:)

I like excellent Merlot,
And to walk in the rain;
I’m a member of MENSA,
I’ve a pretty smart brain.

Let’s make love in the mornings,
In the dunes of the cape;
I’m the love that you’ve looked for,
Write to me, and escape.

(My Response:)

I like cheap Mogen David,
And I’d rather stay dry,
Why does someone need MENSA,
To say “You’re a smart guy”?

At first light, I am achy,
I like sex in a bed, [usually 😉 ]
We’re not matched well as lovers:
Choose a teen girl instead.

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

Not a flirt–don’t think we’re suited. Just wanted to stop to say that I am assuming those are your parents in that one photo, and really like that you included them here. You are a good boy 🙂 .

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

We are a no-go (for one, I am deadly allergic to dogs, though I love ’em–so stinkin’ unfair!–and what decent guy doesn’t own a dog, anyway?

D#mn, and you enjoy Scrabble, too. Can’t get ANYbody to play that any more…).

But enjoyed your Profile. Am betting you will get someone smart and fun, no prob. After all, I liked what you had to say ;).

Oh–how did I fall across you on “Tons o’ Tuna“®? Because even though my Profile says “No Pets”, the muckety-muck “Best Catches for YOU!” keeps showing me dog owners–just to rub my face in my petless pariah status.

Good luck fishing!

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

“…I can’t be with a religious person, please don’t bother contacting me if you believe in the tooth fairy, etc.”

Wow. What is it with many atheists today, going out of their way to slam those who believe in God? I just don’t get it.

I mean, it’s your Profile, and you get to say whatever you want–I’m a big believer in free speech.

I have no antipathy to atheists–used to be one myself–but I don’t understand taking an extra-big step to slam someone who believes differently than I do unless they are persecuting me–and definitely not all God-believers are persecuting all atheists–only a small minority appear to be obnoxious on the topic. Just saying.

Shall I pass this on to the Muslim community in case they want to issue a fatwah on your fanny for disrespecting Allah?

Or should I just tell the tooth fairy, so that none of your grandkids ever get any more under-the-pillow handouts? ; )

_______________________________________

Evil Tooth Fairy Drawing

You Don’t Want to Be On THAT Fairy’s Bad Side

_______________________________________

For a first date, you chose “Lunch”. WAY too much of a commitment.

What if you both decide in the first ten minutes you can’t stand the sight of each other? Sit silently through the meal? ?Yell “Doggie bags, STAT!”? Start flinging sushi rolls? Awk-ward…

I say, stick to Starbucks.

–O. Babe

P.S. You said there should be CAT parks?

Dogs are cool. It is cats that drool, figuratively speaking. Cats would not deign to stay within park boundaries if there were any children’s sandboxes nearby to cr#p in instead.

But of course you WOULD think cats cool. Isn’t that a cool-cat soul patch I see in your picture?

_______________________________________

Wow. What a wonderful writer you are, sir. And a lovely Profile you put together.

I was sailing along, thinking that, perhaps, this might be the first person on these tedious sites I’d be willing to meet, if the feeling were mutual–and then, I bumped up against your next-to-last sentence:

“You must have NEVER polluted your body with drugs.”

Wouldn’t you know it.

Haven’t touched an illegal substance since highschool until my last boyfriend offered me a toke.

Yup. I have inhaled on each on four separate occasions in the last year (although, who knows? My drug-addled brain may have clouded my tally memory).

So. I am crossed off your list.

You’ve definitely harshed my buzz(cut), Mr. Ex-Military.

_______________________________________

Not a flirt, just a comment–Yours is the first Profile I’ve seen that listed God as an interest. Nicely done, sir.

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

You don’t match all my criteria, but what the heck. At least you read… And at least one of us is perfect.
(yes…she’s kidding.)

And schizophrenic.
(yes…she really is kidding. again. just ignore the woman behind the lowercase.)

How ’bout, if you have any interest, you send me something that indicates there’s a hint of humor in you?
(but…he lives too d#mn far away.)

Shhh. When fishing in poor waters, one must cast one’s net wide. He READS.
(but.. but… what’s with the tiny picture?)

Yeah. What IS with only one tiny picture of you, and in Italy?

Are you trying to woo women by buying us with a trip to Italy? Exactly what kind of women are you fishing for, anyhow?
(psst: don’t tell him it will totally work for you)

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

Not a flirt–we two aren’t suited–just stopping by to say that, so far, you have the BEST main pic of any guy on this site.

All these dudes saying how they enjoy life, or have a great sense of humor, but there you are, SHOWING us, laughing at a friend (or yourself), totally relaxed and looking like someone a good woman would want to be with. Yeah…THAT “with”.

The best of fishing luck to you!

–O. Babe

_______________________________________

Your Profile says only what your job is and that you spend at least two hours a day at the gym.

THAT’s your Profile? Dude, you didn’t even TRY.

–O. Babe

lol uhh why should I try, its pretty simple I work and I work out

(O…kay, then.)

_______________________________________

Dear Groucho,

A tie for funniest Profile I’ve ever read, and the other guy gets paid to write comedy.

I haven’t yet agreed to meet anyone, and was tempted in your case just to see if you could clip along like that, live. But that would be unfair–to tempt you with my own rapid-fire wit and stellar beauty–when you and I are doomed from ever attaining the perfect comic counterpoint.

For you, sir, have a CAT.

Blech. Blech blech.

Plus, I am damned allergic to the blech-y things.

Okay, there are one or two that aren’t QUITE so blech-y.

There was one Siamese I quite fell in love with, I’m gaining some fondness for Cornish Rexes, and, from an aesthetic viewpoint alone, I am enchanted by Russian Blues. (I can’t say how the cats feel about me. Most likely how they feel about all people: “Food? No? Next person…Food? No? Next person…”

Dogs, on the other hand, are entirely blech-less. (Other than Chihuahuas, a successful cross between rodents and insects.)

Huge fan of many dogs. Have even dated some (Ba-DUM-dum!).

Hope you find the kitty-kissin’ quick-quippin’ lovin’-lippin’ (that last one was an awful stretch, huh?) lady of your dreams.

–O-Babe

 
THAT dude wrote back! Too bad about his furry death-dealer.

 
ADDENDUM: REJECTIONS!!

Even with my more “straight” messages, ALL of my own overtures so far have been rejected. Men I was excited about writing to–those who are funny or witty, don’t own pets, and don’t live too far away–have rejected me. Even when the sites claimed those same men liked ME!

What the Heck Woman

Huh??

Their responses to my messages? Cold, dead silence–Except in two cases. Here is one of them:

Dear O. Babe,

Thanks for the kind words. No offense, but I didn’t see much humor in your blog–but to each his/her own, right?
Good luck in your search (and with your blogging, keep working on it).

 
ADDENDUM–IN ALL FAIRNESS

A few lovely men have written to ME. My simple criteria have not been met, or we were otherwise incompatible. A current possibility thinks me paranoid for not handing out my phone number until after I meet him. (Home address can be gotten with phone. There are nutters out there. Call me nuts, but I’d rather meet them before inviting them home.)
 
ADDENDUM–A FUNNIER POST ABOUT THESE SITES:

You have just gotta read Kiri’s hysterical post. I suspect it’s funnier to women than men, but if you’re a genital outie, go on over and see what YOU think. Short, fast, funny-funny!
 

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17 Comments

  1. Yemie

     /  2014/08/28

    Oh Shoot! Someone actually did say he didn’t see much humour on your blog?! No kidding?! What a scrooge! Makes me wonder if he’d recognise humour if it stared him hard, right in the eyes! Goofball! LOL

    I had quite the laugh reading through these profiles and your hilarious replies! Online dating’s not for the faint-hearted I tell ya! Keep fishing O.B, your fish is JUST waiting to be found! laughing

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Yeah, he really said that, and it did sting, ’cause I thought HIS stuff was so funny. Hey, it’s not like he’s gonna stop me. How else would I have met you 🙂 ? THANK you for thinking this post was funny!

      To be fair, there have been some very lovely gentlemen–I think 3, no kidding–who have written to ME and complimented my writing highly. However, they, unfortunately, were not dating prospects for other reasons.

      At some point, maybe, both sides will get it together! (Update: There’s a fourth now. We’ll see what happens… 😉 )

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      Reply
  2. RR

     /  2014/08/28

    Some of these are brilliant (those from you I should point out), and I am sorry for the lack of response. Don’t change your bait. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • “Brilliant”? Basking… THANK you, Rebecca!

      Now, here is a VERY embarrassing confession. I almost wrote a different post, which could have been funnier, perhaps, and titled it something like “Dating With Cooties–A How To”.

      My dating profile includes a link to the blog. I knew some guys were linking and going to the About page. There, my diseases appear, with links to their symptoms. Primary symptom of Behcet’s? Vaginal sores! Hahahaha!! What guy in his right mind would make an overture to THAT Babe?

      THAT could be why no one intelligent who reads, who has a sense of humor, etc. was responding. THOSE were the guys most likely to actually read my blog, then check out my About page, and then…BLAM!! Game over!!

      So I did “change my bait”, a teeny bit: I recently updated the About page to indicate “no vaginal cooties”, but am still not certain this covers it. My friend thinks I need to post a link to a video showing me MOVING so that guys can see I move with agility–showing that I’m not entirely decrepit from my diseases.

      Meanwhile, I am sad for the prime humor hotties I may have missed out on. Sigh.

      OTH, I sent a multiple-choice jokey survey to the non-responders asking why they hadn’t responded, and none responded to THAT either, so they are probably just shallow a-holes threatened by a woman as smart (or smarter) than they are 🙂 .

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      • RR

         /  2014/08/28

        Those intelligent guys you speak of may be intelligent yet if something such as a biological sympton/side-effect of a disease is enough to keep them at bay one might question their level of maturity. That shouldn’t end the game. In my opinon.

        Keep your hook in the water. And good luck!

        Oh, by the way, I love the survey. Clever and a bit cheeky. I would have been intrigued! 😉

        Like

        Reply
        • Well, Rebecca, yes and no on a guy being shallow if he’s offput by chronic ailments. I have to admit that if a guy had an illness which caused chronic sores on his willie as part of the package, that would give me pause. However, if his profile showed he could make me laugh, I’d probably still want to meet him.

          Thank you re: the survey. I was rather proud of that idea. My friend Joey came up with lots of helpful suggestions for questions I might use. Here’s one:

          “I saw that you ‘liked’ me three weeks ago, and I’m kind of late for my period. Is it possible I’m pregnant?”

          I chose not to go with Joey’s 😉 , although perhaps his would have netted a higher response rate!

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
  3. Definitely only meet them somewhere out in public, and never ever in the dunes by the cape.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  4. Forget my post–haven’t had time to catch up on my own posts or others, but saw the post announcement in my uncaught-up-with email:

    COSMO!! You’re published in COSMO?! WOW!! I’m both laughing, AND think it’s fantastic! All their stuff reminds me of the Penthouse “Letters” section–entirely made up, to titillate–and now they’re gonna have something that is hot, funny, AND speaks truth! Whatever-word-English-hasn’t-yet-coined-to-mean-monster-congratulations! Will pull myself back to life in order to read it today 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Regarding my post, and meeting my dozens of online dates:

    Gee, Aussa, if I ever get a chance to meet one, I’ll bear that in mind. I honestly can’t believe this. I get a marriage proposal from a freshly-arrived 7-11 store clerk–he tells me “You’re a queen!”–but I have never once been hit on in a bar. I have a hot, HOT dude (that will be a pun, in a minute) yell out to me “You smell AMAZING!”–as he’s running past at a gazillion miles per, sweating like a hog, on the trail we are both using, but have never had anyone chat me up while out walking or hiking alone. I get that 23-yr-old on the skateboard I told you about shoving his number into my hand, telling me I look like a model, but have never had a single guy anywhere close to my age (when I was ANY age) of whom your best friend or sister would approve (e.g. zero bottle in paper bag) try to strike up a convo with me–anywhere And now, even online. It is, frankly, amazing I’ve dated at all (pause for thank you, God).

    It’s 9:00, I haven’t had breakfast, and am seriously craving a coffee. Which 7-11 was that …. ?

    COSMO!!! WOW!!!

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  5. I think I’ve been you in a former life. (My current life lacks enough evidence of existence to disprove the possibility that you are actually me, just on another site.)

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    • Kiri, I just saw this today! WP seriously needs some sort of batch process that runs weekly to alert us to orphaned unresponded-to-as-yet comments.

      Well, virtual non-me, sister of non-existence, I be-late-edly press your disembodied digits across the ether(net) in incorporeal companionship. Perhaps, in former lives, we were possessors of more substance. Judging from my current karma, I owned many slaves, and treated them abysmally. Or, perhaps, we are in an antechamber, awaiting rebirth. In my case, I would expect the first sound I hear upon my “awakening” to be a thundering flush.
      Wishing you the better half of our bond, and a lovely weekend : )

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • I will never be offended by a lack of response. I am lucky if I remember to find my blog and report in every few days. Life has gotten a bit hectic.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  6. Wishing you mastery, or, rather, misstery, over the chaos. Or must that be ms.tery? (DESPISE “Ms.”!! D#mb#ss feminists who didn’t insist on two salutations for MALES to distinguish THEIR marital status. Sigh.)

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  7. I’d love to help you out if I can. Male perspective, so beware. :p

    I cringe at people who are know-it-all’s or appear to think very highly of themselves… (It’s good to respect oneself, and have a strong sense of self worth… but telling people you’re part of MENSA is MENTAL… so I totally understand why that mentality was a turn-off)

    Discretion is the better part of valor. That goes for guys you’re looking for, AND for yourself. Go into these situations as though you are genuinely interested in the other person. (as indeed, you are interested… in figuring out whether the two of you could match up well or not at all)

    Try to keep an open mind and give others the benefit of the doubt. Make few snap judgments (unless… it’s just straight obvious the dude’s a jerk.. then don’t give him any more of your time.). I’m trying to think of an example where context makes all the difference. Where shifting one’s point of view about someone else matters… ok so.. you mentioned a guy who apparently goes to the gym for an hour or two a day. I am also not into muscle-heads, because it makes me question their priorities and, at least at first glance, seems to hint that they are the type who loves to stare at themselves. So… Yuck.. right? Probably… however… let’s not jump to conclusions before we’re sure… because we don’t know what is motivating him really until we ask.

    I don’t have a gym membership, but I have contemplated it before. I work in an office, sit at a desk, and the most vigorous thing that I do during the workday is when I REALLY need to use the men’s room and I’m doing a brisk walk. So, while I’m still in decent shape, I realize that I’m not doing AS MUCH as I used to, and working out could be an answer to that. Maybe the guy is new to the area and doesn’t know anybody. He would be looking for somewhere where he feels safe/comfortable and where there’s people he could potentially meet. (Gyms aren’t really the best place to meet people… but if you do meet someone at a gym, you at least know that the person cares about their fitness, isn’t afraid to sweat, and that you could have an activity in common… not to mention a workout buddy.) Some people go to bars… all you can assume there is that the person likes the occasional drink, probably likes music, is looking to socialize (or not? “Girl’s night out! Woo Hoo!”)

    I personally look for a woman who I can have some shared interests with. I wouldn’t want to get into a situation where when we both want to relax and do the things we like to do… that we those interests would never align… and therefore either one of us or the other HAS to sacrifice in order to participate… possibly begrudgingly. Not all interests should be in common, though. It’s valuable to have time to oneself. A girl’s night… a guy’s night. Healthy people will have something like that where they can pursue their own interests, no fucking matter what those are. (sorry… personal memory there) But yeah, I would WANT you to be able to take care of yourself that way… because then you’ll be the best version of you. You’ll be able to get what you need in that area and then when we’re together, we’re both feeling full and loved and all.

    Switching gears a bit… I don’t know how much this is the reason why guys have responded so rarely… but you come off a bit intimidatingly. That’s just my worthless opinion from the bit that I’ve gleaned from your blog so far. If that’s something you are trying to put out there, then awesome, you’re doing well. If you’re open to another worthless opinion, continue reading. Don’t get my words twisted, though. I am not implying that you should pretend to be someone else. Be yourself, but be aware that there are two people in the equation. If I were one of the prospective fish in your sea, I would be concerned that the details of a failed dating experience with you would end up being blasted up on a blog post for all your adoring fans to criticize and mock. Even if I never planned on reading your blog again to verify, it would still be a deterrent. Even if you’re careful and don’t reveal their identity like you were careful in this very post, it would still make me uncomfortable. The dating scene is uncomfortable, awkward, and painful enough as it is… then to imagine that my faults and idiosyncrasies could be on blast for other women to laugh about. (Reality check, girls talk anyways… so whether it’s on a blog or just in the girl’s circle of real life friends… it’s gonna happen. Doesn’t make a guy feel better, not that you’d care about the douche you’re lamenting having wasted time with … but the NEXT guy is gonna see it. Ok, sorry, enough about that.)

    So you want the type of guy who loves dogs, BUT doesn’t have a dog and won’t want to get a dog in the future because you’re allergic to them. That’s a batch of complex right there. But I like how you’ve put it: “I am deadly allergic to dogs, though I love ‘em–so stinkin’ unfair!–…

    Leave out the: “and what decent guy doesn’t own a dog, anyway?” because you don’t need to have dog person in your criteria … for that matter, don’t alienate guys that like cats. I like dogs and cats, and have owned some of both at one point or another in my life. I am not defined by my affection toward dogs OR cats, however. No need to judge.

    I’m seriously getting carried away, but I hope you take what I’ve said with a grain of salt. (I warned you that these opinions were most likely worthless and hopelessly specific to ME) Lord knows I don’t represent all men at large. We’re all unique little snowflakes, aren’t we? :p

    Take care, and best of luck out there!! Fish up a good one!

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