The Master Mechanic and the Missing Testicles

Three years ago, after giving a manfriend a vigorous ride through truly exciting terrain, a little surprise resulted:

HOLY CR*P!! RADIATOR FLUID!! ALL OVER THE PLACE!!!
But I have no radiator–where the heck was all that fluid coming from?

NOTE: Terms have been slightly modified to respect the more delicate sensibilities of male readers.

I stop at the top. There’s only a length of hoohah hose long enough to fit a man’s hahhoo.

Here Be Dragons Vag Diagram

My Biggest Dragon Flew the Coop Long Ago

With my two autocidal diseases, I’m used to surprises. I didn’t rush to the mechanic. The next day, I was still leaking fluid, but also still breathing. I made an appointment with a friendly hoohah-cologist.

After shallow spelunking, and some sealant application, she shrugged and said “With you, who knows? Hold off on fun, and try again in a few days.”

That many days later, after more sealant, she said “Jeez, I don’t have a clue. Everything looks really healthy up there.”

Over the past three years, that same hose has leaked again after fun. Not often. Just often enough to make the idea of dating a new guy awkward:

“Hi, New Dude. Uh…listen: There’s the minor matter that I might spring a serious leak if we go uphill or take it above 55…”

Three weeks ago, I lost so much fluid my date and I almost headed for the 24-hour emergency garage.

I later googled like mad and finally discovered that my symptoms could indicate The Big C: Corrosion.

Last year, repeated fluid diagnostics had indicated corrosion somewhere under the hood, but but no scans or mechanics had found any.

I think, instead of the Big C, maybe a teensy bit of misplaced radiator material at the top of the hoohah hose springs a leak–

IF I have fun the same days I’ve applied the recommended additive for older engines: S-Trojan.

(Forget that Pro-Jetster-Zone junk for engines THIS old!)

I really need to get this tricky problem solved. This is my only vehicle, and I’ve noticed most dudes aren’t real fond of hoohah to hahhoo radiator fluid transfer.

They pretty much freak out at the sight of a little coolant.

I needed to see a Master Mechanic.

THE APPOINTMENT

I was nakey, but only from the waist down. I was to be checked out by a tip-top corrosion doc.

I wrapped my nakey bottom in the gown and waited, after running out into the hallway just long enough to pee–and to show off my designer outfit.

Naked From the Waist Down

I Can’t Say I Was Overfond of Their Gowns

After about 15 minutes, the doctor entered. A tall, pleasant-looking man, he smiled and shook hands while introducing himself. Unfortunately, he shook like he wanted to best a male rival.

I inadvertently cried out from the pain. He asked “Did I hurt you?”. I answered “Yes—only a little.” My aching hand throbbed. He didn’t apologize.

I looked toward the door for the female resident or a nurse who’d join us, but the doctor sat down and asked his first question:

“I understand you believe you’ve had a hysterectomy?”

Wha-aat?!

Me (calmly): “I find that question patronizing.”
Doc: “How is it patronizing?”

Me (teacher mode): “Well, what if I were the doctor and you the patient and I asked you: ‘I understand you believe you’ve had your testicles removed?’

Don’t you think you would remember? Do you think it’s different for women because our parts are internal?”

Doc (huffily): If you find my question patronizing, I don’t think this is going to work for either one of us.”

And he stood up and walked out of the room.

I was left there, pantsless and doctor-less. Still not knowing whether or not I have–corrosion.

I’d had to jump through hoops like a performing seal to get this appointment. There are very few Master Mechanics with his expertise. NOW what?!

THEY-SAID-‘EM

Leaving the famous hospital (Geezers Die-Die, perhaps?), I spoke to a lovely woman in Customer Relations, asking: “What would you think if…?”

Upon hearing the question, the lovely woman’s face looked like she’d been hit in it by a hot iron. She called his words “unconscionable”.

My sister Meg said: “I would have been struck speechless.”

My friend A. said she would have had two thoughts in sequence:

“Does the doctor mean we women should have no confidence at all in any doctors or medical facilities? That when we’re told we’ve been given hysterectomies, we’ve instead been lied to and defrauded?

Or, does this doctor think I’m insane?”

My nurse friend in Pasadena laughed hysterically. She loved my answer, but said:

“You should have asked him if he was off his game because he was having his period!”

I snorted back. “I should have put on a dumb-bunny voice, leaned forward, and said:

‘Gosh, I’m really not sure, Doctor! Can you look down my throat and check to see whether my uterus is still down there?'”

The department mucky-mucks told me to write what happened, send it to the Complaint Department, and wait ten business days for a response.

Not one muck offered another doctor, or expressed concern over my still-undiagnosed condition.

AT-ENDUM

This ugly visit happened the same week I learned a dentist has lied to and defrauded me, and

The same week a licensed plumber came to finish installing my dishwasher but instead flooded my kitchen floor.

Unending similar weeks led me to need a break from blogging. When one has bad luck magnetism as powerful as mine, one must sometimes withdraw to regroup and remuster the optimism required for normal human interaction.

I think of you guys, and miss your blogs, but I am still muster-less. I am even considering renewed thumb-sucking. What a warm feeling it was. I think I’ll give it a try tonight, while I hug my stuffed bunny. He has never let me down.

Yet. (sigh.)

–O. Babe

Thumb-Sucking Mandrill

My Baby Pic


 

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48 Comments

  1. See who finally made it outta the….’woods’, perhaps?! 😩

    Wherever did you spring from Babe?! You just upped and left without a single word! Who does that?! You…..obviously! 😞

    Its great having you back….for now, and its a pretty hilarious post you have up here! This ‘thing’ with you and Doctors……can’t hack it! What’s up with that?! They oughta just let you catch a break without ‘incidences’, for once at least by really! I hope you get referred to another Doctor who’d be more compassionate and forthcoming! He got off easy though, I’d throw a hissy feet….one he’d live to remember in a very long time! Where does he get off being so darn condescending?! Pfft! 😠

    Did I mention that the anologies employed here are totally insane in a good kinda way?! Nice one Babe; but ahem… thumb-sucking?! Really??? 😦 Welcome back Babe! ❤😄

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Oh, Yemi, I was so AWFUL, dropping off the face like that, right after Iris had done that and I and everyone had been so extremely worried about her. I just couldn’t cope any more–truly couldn’t. (Sister Meg told me today she often says to her husband she doesn’t know how I manage to get up each day and put one foot in front of the other.) So ridiculous, because I have a home, food, and mostly-functioning body. It’s only the constant, constant accumulation of hits that are so wearying. So I’m not back, yet, even though I miss you all very much. Have you been writing your own posts, girl, or still being lazy post-mistress for others?
      😉
      Wish I were back. I will try to get over to your place this week, but I’m not promising anyone ANYthing until I know how much energy I have to deal with what life is throwing me.
      Lots of love,
      ❤ ❤ ❤
      –O. Babe

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
      • Aw! I oughta be the one tendering you with an apology Babe! You were gone for such a long time that rightly, looking in on you via DM shoulda been my next course of action but I held back especially after you’d responded to Mark on a comment he left on your ‘About’ page wanting to know how you were faring! Am sooo sorry dear and I do have a little idea ’bout the challenges you’re facing, it also beats me how you get by; hence the appellation…Phoenix! 😇😊

        I do hope things look up for you Babe, they just gotta and as regards those posts you mentioned, well; you know me……..always getting my ‘Tom Sawyer’ on! Not much is changed! Hehehehe

        Plus, no pressure Babe! Ease into things at your own pace, on your watch! I’ll pretty much like to inform you that I am nominating you for an award, ‘Sisterhood Of The World Bloggers’ Award! Will let you in on the details….soon! You can choose to accept or nay, I’d understand! Its nice to have you here for the now, you left a vacuum none else could fill…you’re unique that way…..for always! 😇❤

        Liked by 2 people

        Reply
        • I believe I have spat on your apologies in the past, Yemi dear, so I shan’t repeat that crude action. I shall merely stamp firmly upon this one, unowed as we both know it is.
          🙄

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
          • Hehehe! I perceive mischief in the air! 😂😂😂 Do. Not. Be. A. Meanie. Babe! I don’t have any recollections of any past apologies save for this one time! 😒 Ahem….unless you’ve got me mixed up with some other lassie or haven’t you?! But, I’ll ‘graciously’ let it slide….I forgive you! 😛😈😆

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply
  2. So sorry you’ve had such a terrible streak of luck lately. I totally sympathize since I have a similar situation which has not been properly diagnosed. At best it’s an annoyance and not as disruptive as your circumstances but still frustrating when doctors don’t have an answer then say something stupid because they know you’re at their mercy. It’s so disrespectful!

    I do hope you can get answers soon.

    Best wishes,
    A

    Liked by 2 people

    Reply
    • Thank you so much, and I wish you luck with your own situation. I’m afraid I don’t have much respect for doctors in general despite the great commitment they have made in money and time to their training, because I have seen so very many and have more bad experiences than good. I am lucky that I have also had several excellent doctors, thank goodness. May you find one!

      Re: my “terrible streak of luck lately”, this luck is truly not atypical for me. If you check out my Bad Luck Magnet series, you will get a small sample of what I live with on a regular basis. And you will be happier for the rest of your life.

      You’re welcome.
      😉

      Liked by 2 people

      Reply
  3. He sounds like a prat of the first order. Anyone would be angry with a statement like that. Good for you for giving it right back. It’s rotten luck to get one that’s quite so awful. I hope you feel better soon. I definitely thought you were talking cars at first and had to go back and read after I saw the diagram – there be dragons! You haven’t lost your touch. Take care.

    Liked by 4 people

    Reply
    • Thank you for visiting, your good wishes, and compliments–esp. since I haven’t been around to visit your place (or anyone else’s) for months.

      I love the dragon line, too–Mustn’t steal credit–it was in the original as found. Brilliant : )

      I only altered the original’s dreaded v-word to “Hoo-Hah Hose”.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  4. Iris apologizes for dropping off the planet for 6 months. I absolutely Cannot!!! believe that so called doctor just walked out! And did Nothing to help or suggest a different doc! Unbelievable. So sorry that happened to you. I hope you got some kind of answer. Soon.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • I don’t know if an apology is owed. I feel like I owe one because we were all so worried about you, and then I did the same thing.

      Thank you for your apology on behalf of Dr. Obnoxious. Perhaps it was simply a terrible day for him, but, jeez. I’m waiting to hear from one of the other two Master Mechanics in the Los Angeles area who are accepting new patients, to see if she will accept me.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  5. Not at all. Life’s a bugger at times. Concentrate on you.x

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  6. I have just read all five articles on your experiences with your Lupus, I am amazed that you are still sane !! ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • I claim only partial disability and partial sanity.
      🙂
      You are a fast reader! And thank you so much for reading my posts.
      🙂 🙂 🙂

      Like

      Reply
      • I am having a sleepless night and it has helped me pass the time, instead of feeling sorry for myself!! xxx

        Like

        Reply
        • I’m sorry to hear…Can very much empathize. I hope you read Phil’s blog, The Phil Factor, and Greg’s, Almost Iowa. I follow many great bloggers, but the humor of those two is good at distracting one when sleepless.

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
          • Thanks for the directions I shall be banging on their doors if old willy winky eludes me much longer!! 😉

            Like

            Reply
    • There are actually 9 articles (talk about ungratefully looking a visiting gift blogger in the mouth).

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • okay I shall go and see what delights I missed …..sorry!

        Like

        Reply
      • I found the other three articles so very interesting I take my virtual hat off to you! I am off to bed now to try and sleep…. lalalalalalal! But I have to be up early tomorrow so I have to at least try!! Have a good day or night and will speak again very soon!! xxx

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
        • I’m glad my writing was able to put you to sleep.
          😛

          Liked by 1 person

          Reply
          • Good morning I finally slept from 4am til 6.45am. 🙂

            Liked by 1 person

            Reply
            • You should be all rested and ready to join MoSY for one of her marathon jaunts, then!

              Honestly, that’s awful. I was out by 2am at least. I haven’t asked, but what is your situation–why are YOU up at night? (always feel free to say M.Y.O.B. : )

              Liked by 1 person

            • I broke my back 5yrs ago, pain is a constant friend but right now I have got a cold virus and that always agrivates every nerve ending and unhappy muscle. I will be fine, tough as old boots. How are you doing these days. 😉

              Like

  7. Eda

     /  2015/11/12

    Missed you, O. Babe, but we understand there are times when all you can do is hug your bunny. Be well.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
  8. “When one has bad luck magnetism as powerful as mine, one must sometimes withdraw to regroup and remuster the optimism required for normal human interaction.”

    Damned straight on that.

    A great writer works with their audience in mind. A healthy writer works with themselves in mind.

    Like

    Reply
  9. Sorry to hear that you’ve been dealing with cr@p these days, but I’m happy to read that the funny bone is still intact. Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog posts, too – I am going through a non-blogging phase myself, but not due to hardships such as yours. Heal quickly, OK?

    Like

    Reply
    • Anonymous

       /  2015/12/03

      I swear, Maggie, there is some evil hoodoo that affects your comments particularly. I often discover them tucked between those of others, ignored, unresponded to for even longer than my usual horrific snail’s pace.

      It seems the non- or less-blogging virus has swept many of my favorite bloggers, which has helped assuage a tiny amount of my guilt. If you had had “nothing” but your home disruptions (dismantling and remantling), that would have been reason enough to belay blogging. I’m happy your results have been so positive, and hope along with you that my own upgrade proves the same : )

      Thank you for the good wishes.

      –Babe

      Like

      Reply
  10. Welcome back, even if it’s only for a post. Of course I understand that you believe you have posted to your blog…. Geez! You didn’t get to the important stuff. Have you been to anyone else? Diagnosis? Prognosis? I realize those are personal and there’s no need to share if you don’t want to. Just worried/wondering about you.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Thank you for the welcome back, Phil, and once more, big time, for the inquiry of concern when I fell off the face of the blogging earth.

      I called 3 offices at the hospital: “Pls may I have phone appt. just to discuss w/someone what occurred in my appt.?”

      Short answer: “No. Write it; mail it; wait 10 business days for response.

      Not one of three asked me symptoms, status, do I have another doctor, can they offer one. Zero concern for me as patient.
      I am waiting for a callback from one of the only other two docs accepting patients in this speciality in the greater LA area. Have waited one week.

      Saturday, got a letter from Geezers! Yay! Maybe they are apologizing; offering another physician? Hah!:

      Geezers solicited ME to support all the good work they do–the good work evidenced during my visit.

      No need to worry, Phil. I never have anything life-threatening–or it’s always caught in time. I am only doing this check to be thorough and because I need an expert: Someone who can detect a few stray abnormal cells and who won’t give up until the cause is discovered, and, if possible, fixed.

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  11. Add me to the list of those glad to see you posting again :))) What’s all that hoo-ha going on here? Dragons and Mechanics! Fire and Water! Another medical mystery! So many times I wanted to send out the posse but suspected you were on one of your luck-down journeys and you would resurface eventually. So it would seem this is indeed the case, along with another case of doctor deplorable. And it would also seem you are taking it in stride based on your humourous outake of dragons, mechanics, old world maps and doctors with old world sexism. Geesh you really know how to pick ’em. My heartfelt commiseration regarding your condition and lack of mechanic so to speak. (Maybe try Scotland, you might have a better chance of getting a “McKennic” there). Seriously, I hope they can find the source of the leak, not only in terms of possible corrosion, but because it is most unpleasant (understatement) to live with the proverbial biblical flooding. I feel for you. Hugs and suds. (Sorry for the late response, I’ve been trying to comment for 3 days, just insanely busy these days, what else is new?). Hope you get a competent non-condescending doctor behind Door #2. Don’t want you to be blue and have this drag’on 😉

    Like

    Reply
    • You apologized for the late response. Where do I begin my own apology for dropping out without a considerate word, or not responding to your response for–forever? And I offer no reasonable excuse for any of this, my most recent in a series of selfish withdrawals. It is merely that my current withdrawal wallow is so much more comfortable than reality that, as time goes on, reality seems less important than it did. If I didn’t miss certain people (smarter, snarkier ones excluded, of course) I might never consider leaving it.

      Thank you for your good thoughts, Triple S. (The initials for your name preceded by two adjectives. Which ones could I mean? Another mystery I leave to you to figure out.)
      😈

      Like

      Reply
  12. Just leaving work, but had to tell you I’m sorry you are surrounded by idiots and poorly functioning mechanics–of all kinds. Sending hugs.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Dear Kiri,
      Thank you from the bottom of my heart and out near the edge of my self-centered being, where a small bit of room is reserved for thoughts of others, and, only 17 days after they send good wishes–after reading my blog even though I’ve not read theirs in months–I manage to respond.

      Babe

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
  13. Despite being a man and having a completely different set of pistons – and for some time* – ball-bearings, I can empathise. My store… Being on vacation and communicating to a Greek doctor that I needed a dose of male HRT because I’d lost mine and, well, because I’d lost them. It must have looked like a very odd game of charades with me pointing at my crotch and then making a snip-snip scissor motion with my fingers. Eventually, to drive home the point that I wasn’t asking for a vasectomy I resorted to dropping my drawers and showing her my, empty and devoid of ball-bearings, toolbag. Shortly thereafter I was re-testosteroned and ready for action. Embarrassing, no doubt, but preferable to spending the rest of my vacation as (for all intents and purposes) a eunuch.

    Anyway, I wish you all the best and better doctors.

    Up until testicle cancer got me – not once, but twice.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply
    • Dear “Wheel”(?),

      I cannot imagine adding a language barrier to the gender barrier–good gosh!
      The return of your cancer is certainly “a setback” (doctor-speak); crappy and possibly terrifying (Babe-speak). May you still succeed at winding up a member the majority who are cured.

      Thank you for reading, commenting, and most especially for your good wishes.

      –O. Babe

      Like

      Reply
  14. Thank you for changing the wording to protect my sensibilities. Of course, it did mean that I thought I was reading about your car until I got to the diagram. (I’ve lived a sheltered life.)

    I can’t imagine what possessed your doctor to say such a stupid thing. I guess a person being academically bright doesn’t necessarily mean they have any social skills whatsoever. It just seems like such a crass comment to come out with, particularly given that you were the patient and therefore likely to have been in an anxious state and looking for a bit or reassurance.

    Like

    Reply
    • You are welcome. The first draft did not use this approach and made male eyes grow big with fear
      😮
      and male stomachs grow queasy
      o_O .

      For some reason, me saying “Oh, grow some eggs” didn’t help.

      It WAS a crass comment, wasn’t it? (The doctor’s. Not my egg remark. That was wholly appropriate.) I plan to do a followup post to let everyone know how I followed up with the medical facility and how they followed down to me. Crassly.

      Thank you for reading, and for your sympathetic response.
      O (That is a hug. Pretty forward, since we don’t know each other, but what the heck–it’s Christmas : )

      –O. Babe

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • Oh dear, the medical facility took crassness to the next level, by the sound of things. What a bunch of pumpkin heads.

        Thank you for the hug, by the way. I was sitting under some mistletoe when I read it, so I think it’s probably okay.

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  15. I spent 20 years explaining to the master mechanics that they needed new glasses, only when the body damage got beyond needing a simple paint job 10 years ago, did they stop focusing on the Engine Control Unit (brain). The OBDII (on board diagnostics) plug was never found, so instead they are trying a biological additive (infliximab) dripped into the hydraulic lines, combined with rat poison (Methotrexate), with limited success. The exhaust(ion) is the worst part. Thank you for sharing your story, I hope you find a better Mechanic with better work bench manners. Greetings.

    Like

    Reply
    • Greetings back to you! Thank you for stopping by, and for commenting with such expertise!
      😀
      Loved all of your jargon choices. The OBDII plug, and biological additive dripped into the hydraulic lines, both cracked me up. But not what they represented, of course. Sorry about the only limited success. I understand.

      Methotrexate was tried for me, for other malfunctions, but diagnostics showed that my fuel filter was immediately adversely affected by that particular additive. Infliximab has not yet been tried. I admit that the Metho. experience left me nervous.

      The problem I have currently is that, while my regular mechanic understands, and believes, the ins and outs and problems with of my vehicle, the other Master Mechanics I have seen act as if there is nothing awry. I believe they feel the vehicle functions well enough for an older model. Recent diagnostics show no malfunctions evident for one with the underlying problem of S.L.E.: System Lacks Energy. But there exist NO diagnostics for the car’s other underlying problem of Silk Road Syndrome, named ironically: Vehicles with it run FAR from smoothly.

      Nobody said maintaining a vehicle would be easy, eh, Onno? Be well. X O

      –O. Babe

      Liked by 1 person

      Reply
      • While the Metho leaves one feeling like up-chucking gallons of Gasoline, exhausted, and in my case gives me a drippy Radiator Grill combined with continuous Headlight infections (can prove), the Infliximab has no such side effect in my 10 year experience with both. While the condition is no laughing matter, your write-up had me grinning from ear to ear and may inspire me to do one of my own. Thank you Babe! You made my day with your excellent sense of humor 🙂
        Wish you all the best. Hugs.
        Sincerely,
        Onno Vocks.

        P.S. I’ve also been functioning like the “older model” fresh off the showroom floor, and started to rust while in the brochure :))

        Liked by 1 person

        Reply
  16. Jeez, adding that Metho makes for quite the trippy ride, doesn’t it?
    o_O
    Hugs back, Onno!

    Interesting info about the Inflix. I’ll discuss it with my doc. I’ve had a hole through the left side of my radiator leaking precious body fluids for a month now (TMI! 😝–it’s FINALLY sealing! 👍🏽) and am getting mighty tired of springing these random leaks.

    Liked by 1 person

    Reply

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