You All Need to Thank Me


My sister says I need an exorcism. That I should wear a GoPro strapped to my head and post my life to YouTube. That I would be my own grim reality show. My friend Joey says that is just silly. That of course the GoPro would stop working the minute it got close to me.

My life tends to run a mite…unlucky.

Unicorn-asus

Guess Who’s Beneath That Lifted Tail?

Yeah, everybody has bad luck, sure. Everybody thinks their problems are worse than everyone else’s.

Everybody who knows me for more than a few months learns that my problems really ARE worse. If not worse, definitely weirder. Here is just one of them:

I have been offline for almost two months.

First, my home connectivity and my laptop both failed on the same day.

*** (“That WAS unlucky.” “But not HUGE.”)

That could happen to anyone. But how often DOES it?

The internet I was able to get restored, although it took two weeks.

Here’s how the laptop replacement went:

Purple Bar

BRAND A

Tablet 1

Worked fine right out of the box. Fine enough to introduce me to Windows 8.

After being powered down, the tablet cogitated on the foul language I’d thrown at it during my Windows 8 exposure.

In revenge, the next morning it failed to power up.

*** (“That’s two strikes in a row.” “But you know stuff is made for sh#t now.”)

I’d always hated Brand A products anyway. What was I thinking?

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BRAND B

Tablet 2

Amazon lost the tablet in transit. But thanks to the tracking number, Amazon knows EXACTLY where it was right before it disappeared.

*** (“Okay, tell me she’s not unlucky.” “She’s just having a bad streak.”)

Tablet 3

Troubles right out of the box.

Contacted tech support, did what the engineer and I discussed.

Then, had Windows apply all the updates that had accumulated since the tablet’s O/S had been loaded.

The poor tablet was thrown into a tizzy by this, and hung.

Nothing would break the hang: Not death by Task Manager, not the three-fingered salute, and not my resting awhile on the power button.

I lay down and fell asleep at some point. When I awakened, the tablet was dead. Tech support determined it was a faulty device. Offered a choice: Their repair place, with 14 day turnaround, or back to Amazon.

I chose Amazon, and am still awaiting my refund.

*** (“What d’you say NOW?” “It DOES seem like she’s had more than her share of trouble…”)

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INTERMISSION

At this point, even I, used to this sort of thing, needed to take a breather and check myself. I consulted my go-to guide to make sure I was following all the recommended steps:

Unlucky Guide

Never Make a Move Without It

Tablet 4

Arrived crushed by FedEx. Luckily, I filmed the opening of the outside carton, documenting that the inside box was also crushed.

*** (“Ready to concede?” “It DOES seem a bit much…”)

While repacking for shipping back to Amazon, I discovered that the inside tablet box, besides being crushed, had been opened and then resealed.

I don’t know if I shipped back a refurbished device sold as new, or if a light-fingered FedEx employee had seen an opportunity and taken it when the box sprang open.

I could have been shipping back a brick, for all I know.

At this point, my powerful aura of permanent bad luck overcame even a large corporation like Brand B.

They publicly announced their withdrawal from the tablet market.

I’m sorry, Brand B! I didn’t do it on purpose!

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BRAND C

Non-Tablet 5

I gave up on the whole tablet idea and bought a bottom-of-the-line laptop from the local big-box store.

HATED it. Worst touchpad ever, and no touchscreen.

*** (“This one doesn’t count, does it?” “No. She was just a dumb#ss here.”)

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BRAND D

Tablet 6

The keyboard arrived immediately. All on its lonesome.

The tablet arrived over two weeks later.

Without its power supply.

A few days after pointing this out to the Brand D folk, my specialized not-just-any-generic-AC adapter-will-do arrived.

But not its plug.

*** (“TELL me you believe her NOW!” “Okay, OKAY–I’m CONVINCED!!”)

This is Your Life Asphalt

What D’Ya’ Think of THIS For My Show’s Title”: “LIVIN’ THE ROADKILL LIFE”? Would Anyone Tune In to Watch An Unending Stream of This stuff?

On Halloween, the first full day I got to use my new tablet and its new plug, I contacted Brand D to make a special request:

“May I please have an extension on the normal trial period for the device, seeing that you shipped the keyboard weeks ahead of the tablet, and the power supply a week after the tablet?

I’ve had only a day to test the device, and tomorrow the keyboard trial period expires.”

Here is the answer of a young man named Uttan:

“Absolutely NOT. How long does it take you to test out the device, anyway?!”

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BRAND E

You understand, don’t you?

You understand why, as soon as I got off the phone with Uttan, I ordered my seventh device from Brand E?

And then got back on the phone with Uttan’s company to arrange the return of their device?
Now, perhaps this is just your typical everyday luck of your typical everyday person. But I am thinking that the rest of you, whose lives don’t run in this direction, have an awful lot to thank me for.

I suck the worst of the worst in my direction, and enable your luckiest days.

You’re welcome!
Hey: Maybe if I hire someone ELSE to wear the GoPro and follow me around..?
 
(Dang it: Joey just said that if I did that, a bus would hit them. Sort of like “Final Destination: Outlier”.)

Final Destination Bus

Despite the Great Footage I’d Get, I Can’t Have That On My Conscience…

Tablet 7 is due Wednesday–wish me (atypical) luck! đŸ™‚
 
 
Next Luck Magnet Post: The Saga of AT&T–Episode 1

 

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