These are the really, truly letters sent to and received from yet another company with an impressively-obtuse customer service representative.
WHAT I SENT THEM
Dear WeFindYouForever Fence Co.,
I can’t TELL you how EXCITED and THRILLED I was to start receiving emails from your company, out of nowhere, YEARS after I made what I recall as a couple of scouting queries about a fence for the backyard of my
four-bedroom house in Florida.
I SO look forward, now, to wrapping one of your wonderful fences around the interior space of my current home:
A 700 sq. ft. condo in Southern California with no backyard–or front yard, either!
Perhaps I Can Make an Indoor Corral for My Pygmy Goats? (Shown Here in Their Former, Outdoor, Quarters)
I’ll be the talk of Los Angeles!!
Please: Send me all the info you have on every fence style you offer.
And by all means, keep those emails pouring in!
Smooches! ❤
Miss Outlier
P.S. DO tell me you offer snow fences–I'm most 'SPECIALLY interested in those.
I Don’t Want Any of THESE Getting Into My Kitchen!
HOW THEY RESPONDED
Dear Ms. Outlier,
Good afternoon!
Thank you for your interest in our company and products, we really appreciate it! We have an almost unbelievable amount of information and number of fence/gate products available online.
I would recommend taking a look at our website (DumberThanAFencePost.com) to see what style you are most interested in, once your search is narrowed we can work toward filling your specific need. Here is a link to our wooden snow fence: (ImNotSnowingYouImReallyThisThick.com).
Thanks again, have a great day!
Will “Likely” B. Promoted
Uh-Oh: I Don’t Think This Post Passes Plato 
(If I Were a Kind Person, I’d Be More Sorry 😛 )
ADDENDUM
In the interests of honesty, I did change one line, and slightly disguised the website, company, and employee names so that all the fence companies in all the world–all of which read my blog–can spend a day scrambling to wonder:
“Was this us?”
(More likely, they would spend a day scrambling to locate their snow fencing brochures.)
The Last Half 
skipmars
/ 2016/01/31I worked for a company that provides over-the-phone customer service for one of the major cellphone icons. I won’t tell you the name of the company because A-choo! That info AND This comment wouldn’t be right.
Here’s the perspective from an ex- service guy (and yes, it’s not unlike war):
Hello? Are you there?
How can I help you, ma’am?
My phone quit working.
Okay, can I get some information to verify the account?
Sure.
Last name?
I’d rather not give that.
Last four of your social then?
I doubt it.
Um, the phone number you’re calling about?
Why do you need that?
To fix the problem you called about.
Can’t you see it on your screen?
Um, no. You need to give it to me, please, ma’am.
You should be able to see it. I’m on it now! (getting a bit riled)
You’re on it now?
YES!
But you said it was broken …
The CASE! I dropped it and the case is BROKEN, IDIOT!
I see. I still need the phone number, the major name on the account, and the last four of your social to verify, ma’am.
CLICK!
Hello, my name is Stewart, how may I help you?
I need to have international calling added to my account.
I’ll be glad to help you, sir. Do you mind giving me the last four of your social to verify the account?
1-2-3-4! This gonna take long? (getting a bit riled)
About 15 to 20 minutes, Sir.
What? I’m 2 miles from the Canadian border now!
I have a protocol to follow in order to add this service, Sir. Can you pull off the road?
Hell no, ASSHOLE! You’re just being F-ING PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE! GIVE ME A F-ING MANAGER!
One moment, Sir.
CLICK!
I’ve heard other service representatives lose their cool with a customer. It happened often. But in the break room for our 15 minutes (unless you smoked, which meant you got several 30-minute breaks because your manager ALSO smoked), we would commiserate.
They should develop a sit-com about … oh, wait. They did.
CLICK.
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/01/31Ha ha ha! I had the helpdesk staff report to me. I get it, really I do. There are plenty of pains on both sides, these days. What I see happening is that people are allowing minor slips to slide into Sandpaper Spirals: Instead of backing away from friction and taking a breath, each side escalates until war is achieved. In my most recent enounter (not in this post), the company used quiet passive-aggressiveness, but was attempting to escalate throughout. I did not rise to the bait, and wore them down. The silly thing was, this literally cost the company money. Had the rep acted like a human to begin with, the outcome would have been the same, and the company dollars would have been saved.
What I think is that today’s corporate policy (unwritten, of course) is, in most companies, to amorally play the odds and act like the customer is always wrong, knowing that most customers will be worn down, and that the law is on the side of the bigger b’ar.
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/01/31Wow, Skip, I just re-read my comment and see that senility fluidly flowed from my fingers. Sorry about all that repetition in the opening!
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vanbytheriver
/ 2016/01/31That’s a good one, OB, and your clicks are hysterical. ☺
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/01/31Thank you, Van. And thank you for visiting–especially since I get over to your place so rarely. Heading there now for at least a brief stop, before I head out for gluten-free maltodextrin-free bread–I’m all out–can’t go without my buttered-cardboard toast! 😛
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elleturner4
/ 2016/02/02You should spark up an email conversation with a spammer, but maybe you’d have to do it from an alias email. Imagine getting them excited about pretending you are going to get your (ahem!) privates enlarged and asking them which dotted line to pay on! Or you could get in touch with “Zara” and get that 20% off simply by replying and sucking her into thinking she’s got a sale? Then again, what about a Nigerian bank that’s got lots of money for you…..oh the possibilities are endless! 😉
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/02I am flattered by your flattery! I’m afraid, though, that when it comes to true conflicts with my actual persecutors, I have very rarely overcome my Bad Luck Magnetism. There is no plumb bob with long enough string to reach the depths of obtuseness occupied by the minds of my opponents.
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elleturner4
/ 2016/02/02Plumb bob-how that rolls off the tongue in such a wonderful way (pause while I say it a few more times!)….
Then you must fill yer junk/spam box with them, in reality or in your mind, and be done with the buggars!
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joey
/ 2016/02/06I enjoyed the links. lol
Too funny!
I wish I could say I can’t imagine, but I can. I once had an interior fence, two, actually. They’re called baby gates and they’re used to trap smaller humans in a safe space, at least until they can open doors 😉
I could really use fencing. I’d love to add about three thousand dollars’ worth of fencing. Do you have any brochures about buying three thousand dollars for say, $19.95? 😉
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/06Ha ha ha! 😀 I’d forgotten baby gates.
Re: Inexpensive fencing, Joey, I am an expert, after more experience than desired being forced upon me by circumstances during my stay in F#cking Florida. THREE fences and one gate! So I wrote an Aspie TMI response.
Ingredients:
Craigslist, cash, power screwdriver, Lexan safety glasses
(1) Golly, I hate wood fences, but:
People are always unloading free wood-fence sections on Craigslist. You can pay someone to dig and set the 4 x 4s, & someone skilled to set & hang the gate. (Check with neighbors for recommendations–a badly hung gate you will curse forever.)
(2) Rolls of chain link are also dumped for free or cheap, and posts. Gates are OFTEN dumped. Chainlink fences are hideous, but as $ allows, you can use simple nylon ties to attach plastic trellis sections (even hurricane-resistant ones) to your chain link fence, which really do work to transform your cheap-sh*t chainlink.
Hope some of this helps!
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joey
/ 2016/02/06Well those are certainly specific and intriguing options, but I’m afraid all of it will have to wait.
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/06(3) One tall garden stake at each corner, and crime scene tape.
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joey
/ 2016/02/06I’ve got over an acre and a very clever 40lb dog, but I like your style!
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/06(This is two replies past where a non-Aspie would have stopped. And one past where common sense and good taste would have stopped most adult Aspies.)
Why didn’t you mention the dog sooner? An acre IS a lot of ground to cover, but you’re ex-military. What did they tell you?:
(4) Hydrate, hydrate, hydrate. Mark your territory. Dogs respect that. If your son helps, that oughta do the trick. Who knows? It may prove a beautiful, hippie-like mom/son bonding experience, until Social Services shows up.
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/07F#ck, Joey. I was commenting to Kiri on this same post around this same time, who has a son, and… F#ck. I know you have a daughter, Moo. I don’t know/remember about if you have other children. I should def. have stopped a comment earlier. Sorry about that.
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joey
/ 2016/02/07LOL
Don’t worry about it 🙂
I’m not former military, my husband is. But he’s had spinal fusion, so he’s not to be digging post holes. My son, although brawny, is the brainy techy sort, who doesn’t get his hands dirty. I have three daughters as well, but only two children still live at home. You are not required to know my life, Babe 🙂 Any news on that $3k in fencing for $19.95. Do let me know 😉
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/07Joey, I’m giving up. It’s clear I know nothing about you (is your name even Joey?), or your family. I do know you’re kind to come visit my blog, and must conclude it is your equivalent of a home visit to the harmless neighborhood crazy lady–the one deserving of extra mercy since her allergies prevent her from being a happy crazy cat-lady. Bless you. (Else, it would be a continuous “Bless me”.)
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joey
/ 2016/02/07Hahaha! Yes, I really am Joey 🙂 No, I don’t view you as the neighborhood cat lady. 😛
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/07Ugh. As if I’d keep cats. I’d be a dog lady, if I could. 🙂
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/07Maybe a Siamese….
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kirizar
/ 2016/02/06Thanks, I needed a laugh before facing my unending list of work to do.
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/06Thank YOU for laughing, and reading. Sorry about the work. I’ve been working hard, too, in between working equally hard avoiding my work and everything else. That reminds me: I think it must be time to eat, stream some mindless program, read Slashdot, Slate, NPR, SmartNews, and whatever else I can find, and then stare at the ceiling worrying about all I didn’t do today.
“What are you going to do tomorrow night, Babe?”
“The same thing me do every night, Kiri: Try and make over my world.”
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mistermuse
/ 2016/02/07I’m curious about the Pygmy Goat with his head caught in the fence. Did he manage to get his head out himself, and if not, did you get him out, or did you need help to get your goat, and if so, how hard was it to get your goat? If this comment gets your goat, please feel free to call on me next time he gets his head stuck in a fence.
P.S. I trust that you sued the fence company for making fences that can get your goat (or at least his head) caught. 🙂
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/07You get it!: Why it was I had to get a new fence! It was either that or get a new goat, which would entail first posting on Craigs for a Goat-Getter, such as yourself, to come get the old. No fun at all, that. Nobody likes their goat to be gotten. Unless, possibly, the goats. To learn how they feel, we would have to poll them all, which would leave us stuck with such a mountainous dilemma of horns, we’d need a fence to contain them.
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mistermuse
/ 2016/02/07I used to be a Goat-Getter, but now I’m just an old goat, so actually I wouldn’t come to get your goat, but I don’t think we’d butt heads over it because we have something in common: we both tell naughty lies.
Also I see by your list of HOLIDAYS posts that we both grew up Catholic, which I confess I’m anxious to read about, so pray pardon my absence while I examine your young conscience. 😦
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/07I am now a non-denominational non-Christian monotheist who still attends Christian services on occasion. The Holy Church was too much of a naughty lie teller for even 14-year-old me, back then. They are some better now, I understand, though many of they are still darn bad, just like the rest of we.
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Yemie
/ 2016/02/10The ‘was this us’ line at the end REALLY got me! 😆
Oh Babe, you’ve succeeded in putting all ’em delightsome folks of the fencing community in a lurch…a big fix! 😩🙉 Now, they get to figure out whodunnit but until then; and especially if they do get past cracking that code at all; they all get to be the butts of our jokes! 😈Dandy! 😂
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/10Thanks! I hesitated to post this one because I didn’t want to embarrass the poor guy who didn’t realize I was joshing when I first wrote, but that is the advantage of having a Blog of Small Audience: There are Small Odds he will see it.
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Yemie
/ 2016/02/10Small odds huh?! 😩Don’t be too sure ’bout that Babe, its a pretty small world afterall yunno?! 😈😆
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/10Very true. Didn’t Facebook just revise down the number of degrees of separation between strangers? Eventually, we’ll all be internet besties!
Mwah! ❤
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Master of Something Yet
/ 2016/02/11Torturing fake Technical Department callers is a favourite pastime in this house. (Funnily enough, there’s the beginnings of a post about this in my drafts.) I hadn’t thought of extending it to annoying commercial emails. Thanks for the tip!
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Outlier Babe
/ 2016/02/11Oooo! Finish the draft! Finish the draft!
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Master of Something Yet
/ 2016/02/11I’ll work on it. 🙂
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Paul
/ 2016/08/21As an aside OB, I did guest post over at Mark Bialczak’s https://markbialczak.com/2016/08/21/harry/ If you have time to drop by, I would be honored. Thank You
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